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A Trans Man Walks Into a Gay Bar Paperback – May 18, 2023

by Harry Nicholas (Author)
4.5 4.5 out of 5 stars 74 ratings
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'On the bookshelves, there was plenty of stuff on being gay, and much needed, joyous accounts of what it is to be trans, but nothing really that encapsulates what is it to be both - to exist in the hazy terrain between.'

After his relationship with his girlfriend of 5 years ended, Harry realised he was a single adult for the first time - not only that, but a single, transmasculine and newly out gay man.

Despite knowing it was the right decision, the reality of his new situation was terrifying. How could he be a gay man, when he was still learning what it was to be a man? Would the gay community embrace him or reject him? What would gay sex be like? And most importantly, would finding love again be possible?

In this raw, intimate and unflinchingly honest book, we follow Harry as he navigates the sometimes fraught and contradictory worlds of contemporary gay culture as a trans gay man, from Grindr, dating and gay bars, to saunas, sex and ultimately, falling in love. Harry's brave and uplifting journey will show you there is joy in finding who you are.

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Previous page
  1. Print length
    224 pages
  2. Language
    English
  3. Publisher
    Jessica Kingsley Publishers
  4. Publication date
    May 18, 2023
  5. Dimensions
    5.43 x 0.56 x 8.5 inches
  6. ISBN-10
    1839971835
  7. ISBN-13
    978-1839971839
  8. See all details
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From the Publisher

Photo of book with quote

Quote from Fox Fisher

Quote from David Chipakupaku

Quote from Adam Zmith

Editorial Reviews

Review

"Brilliant and SO funny!"-- "Elliot Page - BAFTA and Emmy-awarding winning actor"

Frank, Funny, Exciting and Exploratory

I was absolutely glued to this.

Incredible insight into how non-linear the trans journey can be; the way the world treats you differently based on your presentation, the sadness of letting go of previous spaces and the unique fear which goes with being thrust into a new community. As someone whose body also doesn't and may never conform to society's standards, I stan this book.

--Fox Fisher, author and activist

Nicholas has written a revelatory, deeply generous memoir of queer existence and resistance. His message is empowered and empowering, sensitive and full of heart

--Peter Scalpello, queer poet and author of Limbic

Hopeful and life affirming, A Trans Man Walks into a Gay Bar is impossible to put down. This is a memoir that doesn't shy away from uncomfortable truths but Harry's writing is profoundly moving, he handles the most complex conversations with the lightest of touches. Charming, witty and sexy, this is a book for anyone who has ever felt lost or who has found themselves, or is somewhere along the way.--Laura Kay, author of The Split, Tell Me Everything and Wild Things

The projected portrait of being trans by the media is bleak, yet Harry writes with such warmth and candour that he shines a light on the majesty of being exactly who you are - unapologetically. Without sugar-coating issues or hiding the hostility we face as a community, this book is a nuanced and individual look into the complexity of the trans experience within the wider LGBTQIA+ community - a triumph.--Ben Pechey, author, presenter & LGBTQIA advocate

A beautifully important, eye-opening book in a world of criticism and ignorance. Harry, inviting into his life with commendable rawness, is helping so many people understand, educate and grow with our community. A vital reminder that no trans person needs to be fixed.--Daniel Harding, author of Gay Man Talking

Both a rallying cry for liberation, and an intimate self reflection, Nicholas celebrates and examines queer masculinity in its various forms, the good, the bad, and the ugly.Nicholas' s wit comes through the page in moments of consideration, balanced out with steamy, sexual liberation. A Trans Man Walks Into A Gay Bar is a book with something for all of us, no matter where we lie on the spectrums of gender, sex, expression, and sexuality.--David Chipakupaku, journalist

Celebrates the interconnectedness and incongruity of gender, doing so in a way that frees the reader by extension. Will live on in the minds of each and every reader.--Neil Czeszejko, Delphic Reviews

This book manages to convey the wisdom and self-reflection of an elder, while also containing so much potential for how much life Harry has yet to live. It shares a trans gay experience in a way that welcomes cis people into the conversation, while never once making his queerness 'palatable'. Harry's anger at how much further we have to go is only matched by the scale of his hope that, together, we'll get there - and in this memoir Harry is showing us the way. A miracle.--Adam Zmith - Author of Deep Sniff: A History of Poppers and winner of the Polari First Book Prize 2022

An engaging and easy-to-read book about a life experience that hardly anyone talks about.--Christine Burns MBE, Activist and author of Trans Britain

As a community with millions of people, there is no 'one size fits all' experience, and this is a perfect example of the nuance in trans experiences. I laughed and cried, I related and I learned. His vulnerability and honesty feels like an antidote in an increasingly hostile world. Beautiful.--Shivani Dave (they/them), journalist and radio presenter

This singular exploration of one man's journey towards himself shows us we are infinitely distinct and unique, and all the stronger as a community for it.--Andrew McMillan, Poet (100 Queer Poems, Physical, Pandemonium)

Book Description

Raw, intimate and unflinchingly honest, this memoir shines new light on the complex intersections of gender identity, sexuality, sex and queerness.

Product details

  • Publisher ‏ : ‎ Jessica Kingsley Publishers (May 18, 2023)
  • Language ‏ : ‎ English
  • Paperback ‏ : ‎ 224 pages
  • ISBN-10 ‏ : ‎ 1839971835
  • ISBN-13 ‏ : ‎ 978-1839971839
  • Item Weight ‏ : ‎ 9 ounces
  • Dimensions ‏ : ‎ 5.43 x 0.56 x 8.5 inches
  • Customer Reviews:
    4.5 4.5 out of 5 stars 74 ratings

About the author

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Harry Nicholas

Harry Nicholas

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Harry Nicholas is a writer, campaigner and gay trans man living in London. He has contributed to articles in The Huffington Post, Forbes, BBC Newsbeat, BBC3's 'Things not to say to a trans person' and Pink News. A Trans Man Walks into a Gay Bar is his first book.

Customer reviews

4.5 out of 5 stars
4.5 out of 5
74 global ratings

Top reviews from the United States

Emerson Morris
5.0 out of 5 stars Memoir of a Transgender man
Reviewed in the United States on September 20, 2023
I love this book. It is very approachable by the reader, the thoughts are clear and well described, and points are made with references to news and other articles to bolster the author's thoughts and experiences. On a personal note this book describes about 80% of my experience in my early 20s. It was at times hard to read for that reason and also reassuring at the same time, that I was not alone with some of these thoughts and feelings. I felt seen, and supported not only in my feelings from when I was in my 20s but also now as I am going through my own transition in my 40s.
5 people found this helpful
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Meredith P.
5.0 out of 5 stars Excellent memoir
Reviewed in the United States on June 6, 2023
As a cis queer woman, I am always eager to read LGBTQ+ books - every aspect of the broader queer family's experience is of interest to me. This book caught my eye because I have trans gay male friends, and I wanted to be able to recommend this book to them if it was good.

I am recommending this book not only to the gay transmen I know, but to anyone who is interested in hidden stories within the queer community. As the author illustrates, trans gay men have a special story to tell - gaining the right to enter a closed-off world, but also facing discrimination and pressure from both inside their new community, and those who cannot access it.

Harry Nicholas is young, but he writes with substantial wisdom, informed by the queer history he shares throughout the book. He knows who is to thank for his ability to be an out trans gay man, and he does so by weaving their story through his own.

His memoir is quite personal, though, and is not a self-help or how-to book. His experiences with sex addiction and journeys through clubs and bathhouses will not echo with every reader, but they are interesting nonetheless as the story of a member of our queer family. It is easy to get to know Nicholas through his writing, even as he deals with depression by bedding as many men as possible.

For gay transmen reading this book, there will be moments of familiarity, both joyous and upsetting. For everyone else, I encourage you to explore the life Harry Nicholas has shared with us - as much of it as he has lived so far. If he writes a follow-up in 20 years, I will certainly look for it on bookstore shelves.

Thanks to #NetGalley for the opportunity to read this eARC.
3 people found this helpful
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Nev L
4.0 out of 5 stars Provides an interesting perspective that I haven't seen much of in books
Reviewed in the United States on May 19, 2023
Harry Nicholas’ book is an insightful look at one man’s journey and experiences being a trans gay man. He makes it very clear that this is a book about his personal experiences and it isn’t meant to represent all gay or trans men. While this is mostly focused on Harry’s own story he does also bring in queer and trans history in certain sections. And he also brings in more modern news stories of experiences of other queer and/or trans people.

I appreciated that while he does write about some of his own more difficult moments, or transphobia and homophobia in the news, this book as a whole is not about trauma. There are plenty of stories about joy and moments of euphoria.

The book isn’t written in a fully chronological way, it’s more focused around each chapter being about a different topic or theme. In the beginning I felt like I was just thrown into the book and wasn’t finding out enough about Harry as a person, just learning about experiences he was having. As it went on I settled more into the book, but I feel like I would have benefitted from the book being chronological so it would be easier to follow his progress and journey.

Overall I think this is an interesting memoir that details experiences that I haven’t seen much representation for in books. Definitely check it out if it sounds interesting to you.

Thank you to the publisher for providing an advance copy via NetGalley. All opinions are my own.
One person found this helpful
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itssinceslicedbread
5.0 out of 5 stars A must read for all!
Reviewed in the United States on May 18, 2023
There are certain queer books I think everyone should read, and this is one of them. Harry opens a window to a world that I will never get to see firsthand, and I'm glad there are books like this to teach me about trans identity and experience. It was the perfect blend of personal testimony and gay/trans history.

Two quotes:
"To me, transphobic violence doesn’t always necessarily mean being shouted at in the street. Violence takes many forms. Yes, physical–sometimes–but what of the violence of this government, who seek to put intentional and unnecessary barriers into legal recognition as male or female? Or of intentionally removing trans people from a conversion therapy ban, throwing the doors wide open to psychological torture and abuse for people who are not ill and do not need fixing? And what of medical violence? Choosing to continue having huge wait times (currently up to five years) for specialist care, making trans people jump through high, unfounded hoops that fit a strict narrative of what it is to be trans–gatekeeping life-saving hormones and surgeries."

"To be trans is to face violence while others ‘yaaas queen’ and ‘sashay away’ using the language of our ancestors while ignoring our struggle."

Thank you, NetGalley and Jessica Kingsley Publishers for gifting me this digital ARC.
Thank you, Harry Nicholas for writing this book!

All opinions are my own.
2 people found this helpful
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Kim Chirchir
5.0 out of 5 stars A personal experience worth reading
Reviewed in the United States on May 30, 2023
Fantastic Fantastic. Everyone has their own story. They have their own journey to walk in this world. This is someone's personal story that up until now I have not heard much. I however, can relate to it very much. I appreciate this deeply personal life path being told bravely to the world. It gives a better understanding not just about this authors journey and life (though that is important and beatiful) but also gives more insight and understanding to others that are walking in that same or similar path. The author briefly shares so many aspects of this part of their lives. I read a digitally.
I very much want a physical copy of this book for myself.
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Purrrr
5.0 out of 5 stars Read this Book
Reviewed in the United States on May 30, 2023
Thank you for this arc.

The author shares his experiences as he goes through life as a gay trans man. I would have loved to consumed this as an audiobook. He expresses many questions around dating, and falling in love again. I think it was a well written memoir. It was also a quick read. I would recommend this to anyone willing to hear Harry's journey.
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Top reviews from other countries

Mr. F. R. Rothery
5.0 out of 5 stars Honest, Nuanced and Articulate
Reviewed in the United Kingdom on May 21, 2023
Verified Purchase
"A Trans Man Walks Into a Gay Bar" is an honest and open telling of life in London as a transgender gay man. Harry grasps the reader with both hands, and guides them along with him as he delves head first into the intersecting elements of gender and sexuality, exploring the nuances of what it means to be a gay man in a community overwhelmingly made up of cisgender men, when your body and experiences don't fully align with the expectations of that community.

Through Harry's eyes, we get a glimpse of the struggle to be accepted, not only by others but by oneself. He is raw and unflinching in describing complex feelings and musings about gender dysphoria, dating and sex as a transgender person, and a yearning to connect with a rich history of queerness.

Underneath all this is a love story, not only culminating in a loving relationship between two men despite their physical and experiential differences regarding sex and gender, but of Harry's journey to loving himself and finding his place within the gay community.

It is as uplifting as it is poignant, and a thoroughly gripping read throughout.
3 people found this helpful
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Kit
5.0 out of 5 stars Brilliant
Reviewed in the United Kingdom on September 6, 2023
Verified Purchase
I finished this book in one sitting. I stayed up late to finish it.

This was INCREDIBLE.

But also, I don't have much to say about beyond that.

Well, except: it me. I related so hard to so much of this memoir, as a queer trans man.

There were two little niggles: it starts with "I got so thin!" and even when that isn't painted as an unalloyed good thing, it still makes me feel…idk. Gross.

There was also a mention of A LITTLE LIFE that I could have done without, too. (I haaaaaate that book as a CSA survivor.)

But again: it me.

Read it.
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Amazon Customer
5.0 out of 5 stars Great book
Reviewed in the United Kingdom on June 21, 2023
Verified Purchase
Enjoyable read, insightful and well written. Read it all in 24 hrs!
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Krystle Carrington
3.0 out of 5 stars Interesting. But not great
Reviewed in the United Kingdom on December 28, 2023
Verified Purchase
I kinda like this, but not much. The writer spends too much time, telling us why we should think what we should think and perhaps the author is too young to look back at their life from any kind of distance. Another shortcoming, which I found some other trans biographies is that we never really understand what the pre-trans state is like; the story seems to start effectively midway through the writer’s life -so far
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