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Facing Love Addiction: Giving Yourself the Power to Change the Way You Love Paperback – April 29, 2003

by Pia Mellody (Author), Andrea Wells Miller (Author), J. Keith Miller (Author)
4.7 4.7 out of 5 stars 1,487 ratings
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In this revised and updated version of Facing Love Addiction, bestselling author of Facing Codependence and internationally recognized dependence and addiction authority Pia Mellody unravels the intricate dynamics of unhealthy love relationships and shows us how to let go of toxic love. Through twelve-step work, exercises, and journal-keeping, Facing Love Addiction compassionately and realistically outlines the recovery process for Love Addicts, and Mellody’s fresh perspective and clear methods work to comfort and motivate all those looking to establish and maintain healthy, happy relationships. 

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Previous page
  1. Print length
    240 pages
  2. Language
    English
  3. Publisher
    HarperOne
  4. Publication date
    April 29, 2003
  5. Dimensions
    6 x 0.68 x 9 inches
  6. ISBN-10
    0062506048
  7. ISBN-13
    978-0062506047
  8. See all details
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Editorial Reviews

From Library Journal

Mellody has written a lucid and informa tive book on a subject little understood: love addiction. Speaking both from per sonal experience and a clinical standpoint, she very carefully defines her terms, in cluding "love addict," "avoidance addict," and, of course, codependence. The last term she carefully distinguishes from love addiction. She also includes information on the recovery process, the marks of a healthy relationship, and the process of en tering into a healthy relationship. The book concludes with a set of journal exer cises designed to help someone in recov ery. Worthwhile reading that is recom mended for libraries serving both the professional and general reader.
-Barbara L. Flynn, Chicago P.L.
Copyright 1992 Reed Business Information, Inc.

About the Author

Pia Mellody is an internationally renowned lecturer on the childhood origins of emotional dysfunc-tion. Her recovery work-shops have benefited people all over the world and her bestselling books have been translated into many languages. She is a member of the faculty at The Meadows Treatment Center, a residential center for victims of trauma, emotional abuse, and addictions, in Wickenburg, Arizona.



J. Keith Miller, the author of A Hunger for Healing, is a popular speaker and conference leader, and author. Among his best-selling books are The Taste of New Wine and Hope in the Fast Lane. He is also the coauthor of Facing Codependence.

Product details

  • Publisher ‏ : ‎ HarperOne; 1st edition (April 29, 2003)
  • Language ‏ : ‎ English
  • Paperback ‏ : ‎ 240 pages
  • ISBN-10 ‏ : ‎ 0062506048
  • ISBN-13 ‏ : ‎ 978-0062506047
  • Item Weight ‏ : ‎ 2.31 pounds
  • Dimensions ‏ : ‎ 6 x 0.68 x 9 inches
  • Customer Reviews:
    4.7 4.7 out of 5 stars 1,487 ratings

About the authors

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  1. Pia Mellody

    Pia Mellody

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    Pia Mellody, a nationally recognized authority on codependence, is a consultant at The Meadows, a treatment center for addictions in Wickenburg, Arizona.

    See more on the author's page
  2. Andrea Wells Miller

    Andrea Wells Miller

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Customer reviews

4.7 out of 5 stars
4.7 out of 5
1,487 global ratings
VERY good book.
5 Stars
VERY good book.
I actually already have this book. I bought it again today so I can give it to someone that I think can really use it. It is a VERY GOOD read. It helped me A LOT. This book was given to me years ago. And if you are ready to self evaluate and not one of those people who can not look at yourself in any negative way do not buy it. If you are ready to accept you have a problem this book is a great investment. If you are thinking about buying this book then you are already self evaluating. It definitely helps you understand why you are the way you are and why you do the things you do. It puts it all in perspective. And I am actually still in the relationship that brought me to this book without so much ups and downs as severe as they once were. Try it out you can't go wrong for only 9 dollars. That is why I bought it again for someone I love that is going through the same thing.
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Top reviews from the United States

Jenny
5.0 out of 5 stars You can do it. Confidence is key. Work at it every day, but one day at a time.
Reviewed in the United States on January 30, 2020
Verified Purchase
This book is saving my relationship. I can feel it working. The hardest thing to do is hold a partner in postive regard when you feel they are distancing from you. But I realized that was the key to detaching from him with love. I see things in Black and White. I thought it was Borderline personality disorder but I see I'm just a love addict and possibly bipolar. This book is teaching me how to love myself and care for myself. It deals with codependence which I wasn't aware that I had. It all ties in together and is helping me love this man who triggers my fear of abandonment. When he distances, I chase him and it feels like neglect. But really the avoidant just feels like I'm needy. I understand now why he feels superior and sees me as weak. Thanks to Pia Melody, I feel empowered and I can detach with love. I can hold that gray area and it's taking daily journaling. I'm also going to a Shaman. I am in therapy weeks and use DBT skills to cope with the silence when we're not being intense. It's a process for sure. But this book hit me at the core where my addiction truly lays. He's just not that important and when I realized that I was able to take him off the pedastal and put him where he belongs, and in doing so I can love him better for who he truly is. This is my story and I put it out there in hopes that it helps someone relate and pick up this book, read it and do the work. I feel free from two decades of love addiction. It's good to go to SLAA meetings too. There are phone meetings. I wouldn't have invested my heart with this man if I didn't love him. And beyond addiction, the love is there between us. I just hope it can survive without the intensity of our interaction. I believe it will. I'm scared, but I have confidence now. If you get healthy with this book, and surely you will if you do the work, and your partner leaves you it's because they are addicted to intensity. That's on them. You may get healthy and find a healthier relationship. Either way you win if you do the work and keep the focus on you. This book is truly empowering, finally someone understands the love addict. Pia gives the compassion, understanding and resources for us to change the way we love. I am humbled for the first time, and confident in myself- beyond addiction and the low self-esteem and all the shame I felt inside all these years that were unecessary, all due to trauma. Take your time with this book. Do the work, the journaling, go to meetings, therapy and believe in yourself. I think confidence is the most important part. If I can do this at 39 years old after messing up a handful of long term, dysfunctional relationships, you can do it. There's another book that can help with the withdrawel process without having to use anti-depressants, the Art of Living by Thich Nhat Hahn.
52 people found this helpful
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Lisa
5.0 out of 5 stars Brutal to hear
Reviewed in the United States on April 1, 2024
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Right on point , really good explanation of the book
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WizBangWow!
5.0 out of 5 stars Finally, I understand my relationship issues.
Reviewed in the United States on June 19, 2014
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Most books about codependency focus on the classic relationship dichotomy of co-dependent and alcoholic/addict/narcissist. This is the only book I have found that deeply explores the relationship that is created when two co-dependents come together.

For years I have been involved in a relationship that I knew was co-dependent, but none of the books I found on codependency really captured my situation. When I started reading this book my heart started pounding-- It was as if the author knew me, my partner and my relationship inside and out. I am only through part one of this book, but it has already transformed my understanding of my current romantic issues.

To summarize, there are co-dependents who are love-addicted and co-dependents who are love-avoidant:

Love addicts are driven by a primary fear of abandonment spawned from childhood neglect/abandonment. They are characterized by low-self esteem and neediness, and are looking for someone to rescue them and fill the hole in their hearts.

Love avoidants are driven primarily by guilt and a fear of intimacy. During childhood they took an inappropriate "care-taking" role for a parent, which taught them that loving is to care for another, but also that to love is to be drained and controlled by another persons need. They are often characterized by being very capable and very busy, but also controlling (to avoid being controlled) and fickle.

When the two come together they are initially very happy. But, with time, the neediness of the love-addict activates the love-avoidant's fear of intimacy and being controlled. The avoidant then begins to pull away, activating the abandonment fears of the love addict, and driving them to be even more desperate and needy. And thus the downward spiral begins...

The love avoidant feels suffocated and wants to pull away, but often cannot leave because of the crippling guilt they feel at the thought of abandoning the already damaged love-addict. Meanwhile, the love addict will supplicate themselves and engage in dangerously manipulative behavior in order to save the relationship and avoid the feeling of abandonment. The result is an incredibly unhealthy relationship in which neither party has their emotional needs met (in part because neither party can acknowledge their own emotional needs).

This book spoke to me in a way that no other book on the topic of codependency has. It is not only incredibly enlightening, but also well-written and an engaging read. What's more, I really appreciate the tone of the book. Where as most books written about codependency tend to be overly sympathetic and almost coddling to the co-dependent reader (for example, the Melody Beattie series), the author's approach to this kind of codependency is very detached, analytical and clinical. I personally found this a much more approachable and helpful style for my personality type.

All in all, I am incredibly glad I bought this book (on a whim!) and I am really looking forward to finishing this book and working on my issues as a love-avoidant.
299 people found this helpful
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Jen Sanchez
5.0 out of 5 stars Loved this book
Reviewed in the United States on June 2, 2023
Verified Purchase
this book really helped dive deep in to what I needed! I was recommended this book by my therapist and she said it was one of the best shes read. i agree with her. It really educated you on love addiction and on the other spectrum of love addiction as well. i got a better insight of myself and others when in love and just as individuals in general.
6 people found this helpful
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Ella B.
4.0 out of 5 stars This book has info everyone should know
Reviewed in the United States on February 21, 2024
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I haven’t finished this book but it really explains why I have had certain issues in relationships in a weirdly validating way. The only negative is that some people don’t like the hard kinda 12 step approach to anxious attachment issues and would maybe prefer a book like attached which has been recommended to me and I intend to read next.
One person found this helpful
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Kristina
5.0 out of 5 stars Excellent book
Reviewed in the United States on March 27, 2023
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This book is AMAZING!! You don't find a lot of info on love addiction, not to mention something that will go through the similarities and differences between that and codependency. I haven't gotten through much of this book yet as you need to really take in the information and do the work to understand yourself as you do it, and that's not easy or quick. I'm really grateful for Pia and the work she's done to bring this issue to light. I feel this book will be very helpful to me on my journey out of love addiction.
5 people found this helpful
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Samantha
5.0 out of 5 stars For healing
Reviewed in the United States on July 17, 2023
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Excellent read for healing from a divorce or getting over a breakup.
4 people found this helpful
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Lauren Pleffner
5.0 out of 5 stars Wonderful
Reviewed in the United States on August 30, 2023
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Phenomenal Pia Mellody book including Breaking Free.
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Top reviews from other countries

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Thiago Silva
5.0 out of 5 stars Livro excelente!!
Reviewed in Brazil on October 5, 2020
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Excelente leitura! Linguagem muito didática e acessível. Adorei! Recomendo
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bewusst Leben
5.0 out of 5 stars Sie bemühen sich schon sehr, alles gut so gut wie möglich zu machen!
Reviewed in Germany on October 20, 2020
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Ich habe ein Buch bestellt und es hat in der Tat ziemlich lange gedauert, bis es angekommen ist. Trotzdem war ich sehr glücklich, als es angekommen ist! Beim lesen habe ich festgestellt, dass eine Seite komplett fehlt. Ich habe mich beschwert und sofort eine Antwort erhalten, mit der Mitteilung, dass sie auf eigene Kosten das Buch nochmal verschicken. Ich finde, besser geht es gar nicht!
Vielen herzlichen Dank für all Ihre Bemühungen!!!
2 people found this helpful
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Rosalina Fernandez
5.0 out of 5 stars Muy buen contenido e información
Reviewed in Mexico on October 20, 2018
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Muy buen contenido e información
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Lora Lefebvre
5.0 out of 5 stars AMAZING BOOK!!!
Reviewed in Canada on August 22, 2018
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Anyone facing a love addiction will gain great insight into themselves and their partners. It was like I was reading my own story and I finally understood why I...and my partners act the way I do. Thank you so very much Pia Mellody for helping shine some light on this addiction!!!
2 people found this helpful
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Yumana T.
4.0 out of 5 stars Good read to underatand different types of attac
Reviewed in Spain on February 19, 2020
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A little bit repetitive however the ideas are very clear and well explained. It basically touchea the different types of attachment but doesn't explaim how to heal.
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