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Jeb Kinnison
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Avoidant: How to Love (or Leave) a Dismissive Partner Kindle Edition

by Jeb Kinnison (Author) Format: Kindle Edition
4.4 4.4 out of 5 stars 814 ratings
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My previous book on finding a good partner by understanding attachment types (Bad Boyfriends: Using Attachment Theory to Avoid Mr. (or Ms.) Wrong and Make You a Better Partner) brought lots of readers to the JebKinnison web site, where the most asked-about topic was dealing with avoidant lovers and spouses. There are many readers in troubled marriages now who are looking for help, as well as people already invested in a relationship short of marriage who'd like help deciding if they should stick with it.

The reason why there is so much interest is the large number of people in relationships with Avoidants who struggle with their lack of responsiveness and inability to tolerate real intimacy. Relationships between an Avoidant and a partner of another attachment type are the largest group of unhappy relationships, and people who love their partners and who may have started families and had children with an Avoidant will work very hard to try to make their relationships work better, out of love for their partner and children as well as their own happiness. And it's also true that the Avoidants in these relationships are more than likely unhappy with the situation as well--retreating into their shells and feeling harassed for being asked to respond with positive feeling when they have little to give.

The other reason why so many people are looking for help on this topic is that it is an almost impossible problem. Couples counsellors rarely have the time or knowledge to work with an Avoidant and will often advise the spouse to give up on a Dismissive, especially, whose lack of responsiveness looks like cruelty or contempt (and sometimes it is!) Yet there is some hope--though it may take years and require educating the Avoidant on the patterns of good couples communication, if both partners want to change their patterns toward more secure and satisfying models, it can be done.

How can you tell if your partner is avoidant? Does your partner:

* Seem not to care how you feel?
* Frequently fail to respond to direct questions or text messages?
* Accuse you of being too needy or codependent?
* Talk of some past lover as ideal and compare you to them?
* Act coldly toward your children and the needy?
* Remind you that he or she would be fine without you?
* Withhold sex or affection as punishment?

If that sounds familiar, then your partner is likely avoidant. At about 25% of the population, Avoidants have shorter, more troubled relationships, and tend to divorce more frequently and divorce again if remarried.

What can be done? Individual therapy for the motivated Avoidant can move their default attachment style toward security, and to the extent that problems have been made worse by an overly clingy and demanding anxious-preoccupied partner, therapy can help there, as well. Insecure partners who read and absorb the lessons of these books will have a head start on noticing and restraining themselves when they are slipping into an unsatisfying communications pattern, and an intellectual understanding of the bad patterns is a step toward unlearning them.

Not all difficult Avoidants can be reformed; that depends on both partners, the depth of their problems, and their motivation and ability to change over time. But many troubled marriages and relationships can be greatly improved, and the people in them can learn to be happier, with even modest improvements in understanding how they can best communicate support for each other.

For those reading who have not read Bad Boyfriends or are less familiar with attachment types, a beefed-up section on attachment theory and attachment types from Bad Boyfriends is included. Regular readers of the Jeb Kinnison site will find edited versions of some relevant material previously posted there.
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  1. Print length
    229 pages
  2. Language
    English
  3. Sticky notes
    On Kindle Scribe
  4. Publication date
    October 2, 2014
  5. File size
    4259 KB
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Editorial Reviews

Review

IR Verdict: 4/5 Stars, IR Approved. ... a useful resource for those trapped in relationships with people unable to give them the caring connection they require.

Kinnison addresses specifically those readers who have found themselves already attached to an avoidant partner, who want to find a way to either a healthy relationship or a healthy breakup. He discusses ways... an avoidant partner can become more empathetic and responsive, while also showing how their spouse or significant other can adapt their own behavior patterns in order to avoid the worst aspects of loving an avoidant.

AVOIDANT has the merits of being eminently practical first and foremost... The advice he offers is generally sound, and sympathetic to all concerned. He also suggests in places specific actions a person can take in order to get past bad patterns in their own emotional life and in their relationships, and uses actual cases - with the names, of course, changed - as examples.... a useful resource for those trapped in relationships with people unable to give them the caring connection they require.

-- IndieReader

From the Author

This book is about finding a way to be happy individually and as a couple when either or both have avoidant attachment issues--either dismissive or fearful-avoidant (which is sometimes called anxious-avoidant.)

Not knowing anything about attachment types, many people discover their partner is avoidant only after a few years of distress, and by accident when someone tells them about attachment types, or they do some research online. Having an avoidant attachment type is not a disease or disorder; it simply means early childhood experiences with caregivers left them with little trust for intimate companions, and a desire to avoid the pain that might come if they became dependent and then were hurt by a loved one's failure to help them, as likely happened to them when they were infants. This subconscious lack of trust and desire for intimacy means they are "intimacy avoidant"--note that this is unrelated to Avoidant Personality Disorder, a confusing name for a DSM-IV-TR-defined disorder of oversensitivity and social anxiety leading to isolation.

If your partner is avoidant, you will recognize the signs immediately in reading the chapters on Dismissive-Avoidants and Fearful-Avoidants. Some of the turmoil their relationships undergo is centered around their inability and lack of desire to respond supportively to request signals from their partner; the disappointment and anger of the partner then feeds back into further withdrawal by the dismissive, and the relationship begins to crack under the strain. 

One of the points of this book is that not only can avoidants change (with therapy and motivation) to be more supportive, but their partners can learn to understand and accept more their need for emotional distance. Your avoidant partner is a complex individual with a history and many characteristics beyond attachment type; while some avoidants (especially the dismissive variety) are likely to be tough to live with for almost anyone, yours may be able to modify their thoughts and behavior enough to improve your relationship. And you may find more happiness by understanding better how they feel.

Product details

  • ASIN ‏ : ‎ B00O4QLPHI
  • Publisher ‏ : ‎ Jeb Kinnison Publishing (October 2, 2014)
  • Publication date ‏ : ‎ October 2, 2014
  • Language ‏ : ‎ English
  • File size ‏ : ‎ 4259 KB
  • Text-to-Speech ‏ : ‎ Enabled
  • Screen Reader ‏ : ‎ Supported
  • Enhanced typesetting ‏ : ‎ Enabled
  • X-Ray ‏ : ‎ Enabled
  • Word Wise ‏ : ‎ Enabled
  • Sticky notes ‏ : ‎ On Kindle Scribe
  • Print length ‏ : ‎ 229 pages
  • Customer Reviews:
    4.4 4.4 out of 5 stars 814 ratings

About the author

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Jeb Kinnison

Jeb Kinnison

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Jeb Kinnison studied computer and cognitive science at MIT and wrote programs modeling the behavior of simulated stock traders and the population dynamics of economic agents. Later he did supercomputer work at a think tank that developed parts of the early Internet (where the engineer who decided on '@' as the separator for email addresses worked down the hall.) Since then he has had several careers--real estate development, financial advising, and counselling.

Visit his web site at JebKinnison.com for more: rail guns, Nazi scientists, the wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald, the 1980s AI bubble, and current research in relationships, attachment types, diet, and health.

Visit the Substrate Wars website at SubstrateWars.com for more on upcoming books, physics, and the politics of the future.

Customer reviews

4.4 out of 5 stars
4.4 out of 5
814 global ratings
Don’t judge a book by the title
5 Stars
Don’t judge a book by the title
Originally I was reluctant to read this book because the title, however after reading more about it was actually about I decided to get it. AND LOVED IT. This book can be a difficult read if you are being brutally honest with yourself about your own faults and those around you. But if you’re reading it to gain a better understanding about attachment and for personal development, it’s the perfect book to get started. I’ve recommended it to many others since reading. It will be on my list of top 10 personal development books. Highly recommend reading.
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Top reviews from the United States

Jennifer
5.0 out of 5 stars It was the most painful and traumatic experience I ever had
Reviewed in the United States on April 15, 2016
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I agree with one of the other commenters...this book saved my life. I accidentally stumbled on "Fearful Avoidant" after months of research trying to understand why my man dumped me via text after a whirlwind romance. Of course, I had to find one of the guys that fits into the very rare 5% of Fearful Avoidant...It was the most painful and traumatic experience I ever had, but thanks to Jeb Kinnison, it makes perfect sense. In fact, having this understanding allows me better patience, understanding, and empathy, and my relationship has found a second chance with solid psychology behind it, no guessing, and no more taking anything personally!!! I was stuck on the belief that my man was simply a Passive Aggressive Narcissist, but thanks to this book, I realize that is not the case. He is a good man who craves a relationship with me yet is so afraid I'll change for the worse or give up on him. Trust issues your avoidant has are NOT your fault; read this and stop blaming yourself!!
I'm grateful for Jeb Kinnison for writing this book and explaining in very clear, yet detailed terms, why avoidants act the way they do. This book turned out to be the only thing that gave me answers and ultimately true comfort. I really enjoyed how the author went into describing the many scenarios and/or conversations that are common with dating an avoidant. This book is very enlightening. Save yourself from heartache and pain, either by understanding your avoidant and trying to salvage the relationship - or - know what to look for early on so you no longer feel frustration in trying to get someone to commit. Everyone needs to read this book!!!
28 people found this helpful
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RM
5.0 out of 5 stars The opinion of an avoidant woman
Reviewed in the United States on September 25, 2016
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This book literally changed my life. I am a woman and always had an attachment style that is sometimes fearful avoidant sometimes dismissive avoidant. Everything the author describes about avoidant people matches perfectly what I am, what I did or do and how I feel. I stumbled across other avoidants in my life and like the author says the relationships between me and other avoidants were always short lived because the "why bother" factor was just too much.

This book is priceless both for avoidants like me and for non avoidants. I think almost everyone in their life will happen to date some avoidants, especially if you are still single above 30. This book gives you the tools you need to exactly understand where you stand. It saves you so much pain. For me, it has helped understand why I always feel caged when in a relationship, why I never seem to find the right person despite the fact that I am fit and reasonably attractive. Also it allowed me to understand how poor my communication is and how out of touch with my emotions I am.

Many of the men I briefly dated told me I sort of behave like a man. I could never understand exactly why, as I never had manly manners. This book made me realize it is because I often act like I don't give a damn about relationships (and in most cases I don't give a damn for real). The author clarified that avoidants are more often men than women so now I also understand why my dates had that feeling that I behaved like a man.

I would seriously give this book 100 stars. So far I can honestly say it has been the most helpful book I have read in my entire life. I read many books about relationships but this went right to the core, the root reason, why my relationships were always disfunctional. As an avoidant, they were bound to be dysfunctional because I made them so. Now with this awareness I think I can learn to be better and hopefully start a secure and mature relationship
232 people found this helpful
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Savannah
4.0 out of 5 stars Good book
Reviewed in the United States on August 26, 2023
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Eye-opening information. Makes me hopeful that change is possible.
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Amazon Customer
5.0 out of 5 stars Enjoyed reading
Reviewed in the United States on August 8, 2023
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Great book. Had a lot of insightful messages. I finished it with a little more knowledge in regards to avoidant type relationships
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G. Reese
3.0 out of 5 stars a good summary of relationship scenarios
Reviewed in the United States on June 9, 2023
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The book is broken down into a slew of chapters dealing with a lot of potential scenarios of various couples with varying attachment styles. The summaries tended to bias towards worst case scenarios for all attachment styles rather. While this instructive in spelling out what may happen over time, it seemed to always end badly which would give the impression that success is a long shot no matter the pairing.

Effort was put in to describe how things might work but I didn’t find it encouraging. The book would have felt more inclusive if it profiled more success stories and what made them work as well.
3 people found this helpful
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Dr. Niki
5.0 out of 5 stars If only this book came out sooner...
Reviewed in the United States on November 13, 2014
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This book saved my life. I've read nearly all the books out there on attachment theory- this one by far is one of the best. Similar to the previous review, I struggled for nearly a year in trying to understand why my relationship fell a part out of nowhere. It was the most painful and traumatic experience I ever had.
I'm grateful for Jeb Kinnison for writing this book and explaining in very clear, yet detailed terms, why avoidants act the way they do. The man I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with turned out to be a fearful avoidant. Up until reading this book I thought our breakup was entirely my fault. This book turned out to be the only thing that gave me answers and ultimately true comfort. I really enjoyed how the author went into describing the many scenarios and/or conversations that are common with dating an avoidant- many of which I experienced first hand. This book is legit- it's the real deal. Save yourself from heartache and pain. Read it again and again. You'll be happy you did when you finally end up in the healthy and everlasting relationship you deserve.
52 people found this helpful
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MandySmart
5.0 out of 5 stars Glad to Know This Information, Though it Hurts
Reviewed in the United States on March 22, 2023
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I found this book incredibly useful. The cold hard facts. My former relationship makes more sense now and I am glad I did not build a life around an avoidant. Wish I would have found Mr. Kinnison's work sooner. I recommend his other book "Bad Boyfriends" too, as well as his blog.
7 people found this helpful
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Top reviews from other countries

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Garth Harris
5.0 out of 5 stars Very relatable
Reviewed in Canada on January 20, 2024
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A great resource to help understand your partner.
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Amazon Customer
2.0 out of 5 stars Repetetive
Reviewed in Sweden on July 22, 2022
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The book is very repetitive, some copy-pasted materials from blogs and other sources show up multiple times throughout different chapters.

I thought the chapters on domestic violence to be distasteful and misogynistic, as it implied that if a woman gets beaten by her male partner, it's likely her own fault for being too needy, and that she likely was the one to attack first.

Some chapters had language and themes taken from incel and PoA communities and went from gender-neutral to using a lot of sexist stereotypes, assuming that the anxious is always a woman looking for a "hot bad boy" and refusing the "nice guy", while the dismissive is the attractive bad boy and player. In my opinion a very simplistic worldview that disregards that attachment goes beyond gender-stereotypes.

There was very few solutions proposed in the book and nothing that went in-depth. The dismissive should see a therapist, that was the recommendation in a nutshell. The proposed solution for the anxious was mainly to just "stop nagging so much". The book briefly mentions self-soothing and improving communication but doesn't give enough guidance on how to do it in practice.

As someone who already read a lot about attachment I didn't learn anything new from this book as it wasn't particularly in-depth and I had read a lot of the copy-pasted chapters before, word-for-word from other online sources.

If you are new to the concept you may enjoy this book, as the first chapters gives some interesting insights on attachment theory.
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Cliente Amazon
5.0 out of 5 stars Lo mejor que he leido sobre tipos de apego
Reviewed in Spain on March 11, 2021
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He leído muchísimo sobre la teoría y los tipos de apego y no he encontrado ningún libro tan completo como este. La unica pega es que no está disponible en español.
Además de profundizar totalmente en cada uno de los tipos, analiza las posibles combinaciones entre unos y otros apegos, y el tipo de relación que se genera.
No he encontrado nada en español que pueda compararse a este libro en cuanto a calidad de información y profundidad en sus temas. Probablemente estés aquí porque tu pareja o ex pareja tiene apego evitativo, en ese caso te recomiendo este libro encarecidamente, puede ser tu pasaporte para dejar de sufrir.
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barbara parigi
5.0 out of 5 stars importante!
Reviewed in Italy on May 27, 2019
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Dopo "Dimmi come ami e ti dirò chi sei" questo è libro più utile mai letto sull'argomento.
After "Attched" this is the most useful and precise book on the avoidant/anxious relationship.
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Rhonda Emery
5.0 out of 5 stars Amazing insight - it enabled me to leave an avoidant partner
Reviewed in Australia on August 2, 2023
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This book was so incredibly helpful giving me the insight into what was happening in my on-again off-again fearful avoidant ex-partner’s head and body. Now I understand why he treated me the way he did and ultimately what triggered the one incident where he physically lashed out at me to the degree I had to report it to police. I just wish I had known what I was dealing with h much earlier in the relationship because I a, doubtful I would have let it continue for so long. I have empathy now for the pain that he was in mentally/physically, but also accept now that he is unlikely to ever have the self-awareness of his attachment style, nor will he have the desire to do the hard work to repair his childhood trauma. This book made me realise the fruitlessness in trying to save our relationship. It will make it so much easier to say ‘no’ in the future if he ever attempts to reconnect. I feel sorry for the next person that he starts a relationship with, but more importantly, I feel like it has given me the strength to move on with the help of a great therapist.
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