For someone who does not live with depression, it can sound weird, unbelievable, and contrived to hear from someone who does. You may not have people in your life who are able or willing to describe the symptoms, impact, or realities of depression. For those people (folks like me), Gillian has written this memoir.
“Later on, once I accept my illness and work to combat it, I’ll learn that catastrophic thinking is a cornerstone of depression. I have a bent mind. Thoughts either spring up negative or zoom in that direction. I’ll learn to catch them and attempt to change them or ignore them.” (page 27)
The idea that your first thought is negative is revealing, and can reflect what many of us experience. But it is truly just a minor reflection of the broader realities of damage caused by depression. A knife on the counter is, for most of us, a reminder to tidy up. For someone whose mind is driven towards negative thoughts, it can be an invitation, as ludicrous as it might sound.
“I’m not considering the pain of stabbing myself. I’m not thinking about Sergei grieving his wife, or the girls, over time, forgetting the smoothness of my hands or the contours of my face, I’m not thinking of my parents wishing they had done more to help, or of people in my church blown away by their pastor’s wife’s death, unaware that things in their home were that bad. I’m thinking of that knife. I’m thinking of relief. I’m thinking that I don’t want to do this, as in life, anymore. The piercing pain in the middle of my clavicle has been a knife stabbing at me for a long time anyway.” (pages 33-34)
The alternative to such pain and negativity is not necessarily joy, but numbness.
“I think that is why I shut down my emotions. Shutting down, although painful in its own right, is easier. At least when I am numb, I don’t sting with missed opportunities and moments with my kids. At least when I am numb I am devoid of guilt for not returning phone calls or for choosing another TV show instead of Monopoly Millionaire with Elaina and Zoya. Numb is nothing. Numb is safety. Numb is not having to think about how screwed up you are.” (page 111)
This is where Gillian’s work is most poignant. The constant reminders that her family is still there, is still moving forward, in so many ways without her. It is painful for the reader, not just because of what’s being missed, but because it can never be recaptured, even in a memoir. Sergei cleans up a kitchen mess. Elaina and Zoya help get Polly and Evangeline ready for church. Gillian admits to her reader that this isn’t what she wants, that this isn’t what her husband and children deserve, and yet she so often feels helpless to fight it. That brings me to the two things I appreciated the most about this book:
1. That Gillian never excuses the realities that accompany her depression. Her depressive episodes may be a reason for how she participates in life, but she doesn’t treat it like an excuse. In fact, she hopes and plans to make amends for the ways she handled things during her last major depressive episode.
2. The second thing I appreciate is how Gillian reminds us that her depression does not own her. It is not her identity.
“One of the biggest parts of my faith is that Jesus loves me. Simple. Easy. My identity should rest there. My girls learned this in song as soon as they could speak. “Jesus loves me this I know, for the Bible tells me so.” Regardless of what I do, and I mean regardless of anything I do or don’t do, God looks at me as a daughter. Somehow I need to figure out how to get back to claiming that identity. I have to practice letting go of the identity of depression. I have to take my medication, and see Melanie, and ask God to please help me, because there is no way I can do this, no way to heal from this illness, without him.” (pages 162-163)
In beautiful words, Gillian helps us see ourselves in her. How often do we define ourselves by the things that are right or wrong about our lives. If everything is going well, it must mean my life is great and I am a good person. But if everything is going wrong… Such thinking pre-empts our ability to see God’s redemptive work in tension, in pain, in hardship, and in unexplainable situations. We too often seek to legitimize our suffering as a means of getting something better out of it, as though somehow Gillian’s depression will make her a better person, or her family into more understanding and patient people. And that will make it all worthwhile. But that is not how it works. Not really. The pain is real and unexplained. The hurts caused cannot be wiped away with a logical epiphany about God’s blessings. All that is left is that somehow, by His works, God is glorified in the very midst of the deepest and darkest days of Gillian’s depression, of someone’s poverty-stricken life, of someone’s diseased departure from this life. Still, God is glorified.
“The purpose [of life] isn’t to get everything I want, to have a good marriage, or even to be happy. The purpose of life is to glorify God. But how can I do that? How can a person who struggles at times to brush her teeth glorify God? I’m not sure, but I think my accepting and sharing what He has already given me, Jesus, my husband, my kids, my house, even my struggles. Accept everything he has given me, not because it is fair or deserved or undeserved but because He is faithful. Because He is there.” (page 164)
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Reviews with images
I want to understand and need to know how to be there and not make things worse! Thank you for sharing
I purchased this book to help my children's devestating depression. I want to understand and need to know how to be there and not make things worse! Thank you for sharing.
