Amazon.com: Customer reviews: Non-Toxic Masculinity: Recovering Healthy Male Sexuality

Top positive review

The Most Important Book I’ve Read This Year

Reviewed in the United States on June 5, 2023

I am a single man in his late 20's, and who grew up in an Evangelical Christian household and learned to operate under the twisted expectations of Purity Culture. I still profess faith, albeit a very different type from the tradition I was given in childhood. I am a divorcee, and many of the toxic problems and attitudes Wagner describes as the teachings of Purity Culture were present in my short-lived marriage. All this to say, I felt as though Wagner was speaking directly to me and my experience. His vulnerability and honesty about himself and his own journey connected me to his ultimate purpose more completely than I could have ever expected. I felt like I gained a close friend.

This is a critically important read for people who suffer under toxic masculinity, but especially for men who were raised learning that "every man's battle" meant uncontrollable sexual desire towards women. Not only does this concept normalize abusive and toxic expectations and behaviors regarding how men relate to women, it utterly robs men of their own responsibility and agency in LEARNING TO UNDERSTAND THEIR EMOTIONS AND CONTROL THEIR BEHAVIOR. Not to mention the heaps of shame that men who don't experience strong attraction to women suffer because they are explicitly taught they aren't "man enough..."

Toxic masculinity's complete and utter dehumanization of the human person, especially men, has been a devastating source of death, suffering, sexual abuse, harassment, emotional and physical harm for women, children, LGBTQ+ people, and people of color. The way this evil ideology blends so perfectly with White Supremacy has lead so many young men, especially young white men, astray down paths of darkness and devastation. This must end!!

Through Non-Toxic Masculinity, Wagner presents an alternative path. A path of dignity, humanity, gentleness, selflessness, self-sacrifice, safety, and nurturing life. The call to live like Christ means rejecting a dehumanizing worldview. I've already let friends borrow my copy of this book, and I will be recommending it to others for years and years to come.

10 people found this helpful

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Critical reviews›

Kevin Gregory

A lot of progressive perspectives, not enough scripture

Reviewed in the United States on May 24, 2023

Non-Toxic Masculinity: Recovering Healthy Male Sexuality by Zachary Wagner (IVP Academic 2023) is a denunciation of purity culture in the white evangelical church and a plea for the church to adopt teaching on sexuality that is redemptive and grace-filled.

Published by InterVarsity Press, this book is presumably intended for an evangelical audience. However, there are a number of things in the book that I found off-putting and will likely limit the appeal to most evangelical men. I will detail some of the significant issues below.

Right off the bat I should mention one thing I found a little jarring: the author uses progressive words and phrases when discussing sexuality. Examples: "cisgendered" is used multiple times. Wagner asks readers whether it is reasonable to expect "Queer Christians" (his term, both words capitalized) to remain chaste (pages 40, 41). He uses phrases like "male privilege" (page 45) and "male gaze" (page 47). And more. This is concerning from my perspective, because Christians who adopt the preferred language of liberation movements generally end up viewing all issues through the oppressor/victim lens. And before long they minimize or abandon scriptural teaching in favor of progressive views on the issues.

Back to the progressive lingo and why it is problematic for a book trying to appeal to evangelicals. As a veteran of lots of evangelical small groups and men's retreats over the decades, I can say with confidence that conservative evangelical men do not use words and phrases like cisgender, Queer Christians, male privilege, male gaze, etc. Speaking like this is a turn-off to the average man in the pews of evangelical churches.

At places, Wagner's use of progressive perspectives is more comical than annoying. Beginning on page 49 Wagner discusses combating traditional Western stereotypes about masculinity. I imagined the following sentences (pages 49 and 50) in the voice of Michael Scott (The Office) lecturing the men in the office about getting in touch with their feminine sides:

"Many of our most cherished artists and fictional characters are in touch with their emotions. What would we say about Lin-Manuel Miranda's Alexander Hamilton? Or William Shakespeare's love sonnets. Are these men less manly for having emotions?" (pages 49, 50)

Then there is Wagner's use of feminist critiques. In chapter three Wagner notes the fairy tales and films that young American boys and girls watch. He singles out Prince Charming and Mel Gibson's Braveheart as promoting harmful ideas about sexual relationships. From page 53:

"Sexual conquest is characteristic of all manner of male heroes and role models... Even Prince Charming, whom many claim as the paragon of Western masculine virtue, isn't free from this trait. The rescue of the princess in a tower, the slaying of the dragon, and every other western trope of masculine heroism often implies a type of sexual conquest. While the sexual subtext of fairy tales is not stated explicitly, the implication is that the knight's (violent) heroism gains him access to the sexual affections of the princess." (page 53)

I don't think that feminist critiques (like his assertion that the Prince Charming story is harmful because it implies the knight's sexual conquest of the princess) will be taken seriously by non-feminists.

Finally, I should mention one aspect of the author's writing style that I find weak: Wagner gets overwrought a lot. For example, he says that evangelicals "worship" sex (pages 42, 162). Why exaggerate and be dramatic? When it comes to discussing important issues, Tim Keller famously said, never attribute an opinion to your opponents that they themselves do not own. Well, no evangelical would affirm a charge that they worship sex. It is preposterous, and this assertion won't persuade evangelicals to consider Wagner's views. It seems to me going over-the-top like this may highlight an immaturity on the author's part.

I hope I haven't been too critical in this review because Wagner certainly does identify some positive recommendations to bring to teaching sexuality in the church. Some of his solid contributions: Wagner puts responsibility for male sexuality squarely where it belongs: on the male. Wagner also emphasizes women should never be blamed for the sins of men, no matter what they are wearing. He brings grace into the discussion on sexuality, saying a focus on rules and pledges and accountability groups (which usually lead to shame and isolation and men being stuck in immaturity) are not effective in leading to maturity. The best way forward for men, Wagner says, is authentic community where men can grow into godliness and maturity.

It's too bad that so much of the material is framed in the language of liberation ideologies rather than scripture. I found that off-putting, and I suspect most evangelical men will as well. Three out of five stars.

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S. Oakman

Really valuable start to an ongoing conversation--but won't resolve the issues for us!

Reviewed in the United States on September 1, 2023

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I was challenged recently by a guy in my theology book club to find a book with a Christian view of sexuality that counters purity culture, but is also written from a male perspective. As Wagner himself indicates, several women authors have led the way—notably Rachel Joy Welcher, Sheila Wray Gregoire, and Emily Joy Allison—but a vision of healthy male sexuality and masculinity that is not steeped in an American cultural machismo of warrior imagery and sports analogy is basically absent from current Christian writing.

Wagner is to be commended for offering this contribution, in which he speaks directly against the abusive and shaming nature of male supremacy, carefully beginning the delicate task of exposing the less obvious ways that it has pervaded Christian theology and practice to control, manipulate, and dehumanize both men and women. That he is willing to expose his own vulnerabilities, and with his wife’s consent, discuss how purity culture has scarred each of them, makes this book all the more remarkable—for by being vulnerable, even when we risk being shamed for our “weakness”, he is demonstrating himself something of what healthy masculinity ought to be. Writing from his own experience is both a great strength and something of a weakness—for there was at times a sense that he was utilizing his writing to personally process his own psychic conflicts.

In essence, it is the opening chapter for three separate books. The first, as mentioned above, is a recap of how the Christian definition of sexual morality came to be dominated by this thing called “purity culture” at the end of the 20th century, despite the obvious failings of many prominent male leaders. More than responding to these failings as many men do with the familiar “not all men” refrain, Wagner reframes the issue by demonstrating how the problem stems from the culture’s core assumptions about the natures of men and women, and how this results in dehumanizing both—not only reducing women to objects, but reducing men to instinctive, animalistic beings—and in both cases diminishing the imago dei created in every human being.

The second part expands on this--attempting to delineate what a renewed, non-toxic masculine sexual identity might look like. I think this is going to upset a lot of apple carts—because what he really does in these three chapters (in addition to shouting “Jesus had a penis!”) is essentially a work of deconstruction, meaning that he shows us how much of what we believe about sexuality and gender roles comes not from the Bible, but primarily from our culture and tradition, and it is only by removing those layers that we come near to the True Man, Jesus. Unfortunately, there are no easy, formulaic answers here, for Wagner, the church, or for any of us.

Finally, the third section takes an honest look at male sexual development from infancy through fatherhood. Students of psychology will find familiar themes that are reminiscent of Erikson and other 20th century developmental psychologists, though with Wagner’s thoughtful personalized reframing. Every person, not just every Christian, needs to be aware that their sexual development begins in infancy when they learn to trust others—and there would probably be no more valuable exercise for anyone than to reflect personally on the questions that Wagner poses in chapter 8 about their earliest exposures to affection, intimacy, and abuse. Many readers will find things to relate to as he walks through the process of a male child growing into a man.

So what IS Non-toxic Masculinity and how does sexuality factor into that? If I’m reading this right, according to Wagner, Masculinity is exemplified in Jesus, with the “chief end of male sexuality” manifested as fatherhood—on the face of it, a major irony if we are following a single, childless Savior! However, I believe that Wagner actually would define fatherhood much more broadly—to use an Eriksonian term perhaps, generativity—or for a more general term familiar to modern audiences, mentorship. Ultimately though, it is all about Giving—giving up one’s self, whether physically and emotionally in the act of sex, sacrificing ones time and talents to aid the development of others, or laying down one’s life for one’s friends.

I look forward to seeing Wagner develop these themes further, as “Non-toxic Masculinity” unfortunately has a huge gap to fill in Christian writing today. However, because so many of these issues have been hidden or ignored or shamed into silence over the years, I felt that Wagner tried to do too much with this single book, leaving readers feeling that too much is left unresolved. On the other hand, if this is read as the start of a conversation, or several conversations, and not a definitive position statement or new path through the self-help maze, I believe that it is a very valuable addition to current dialogue.

There were several places where I thought Wagner could have gone deeper, and I hope he will in future writing. First, I would very much like to see him address in more detail how he would apply this to same-sex attraction and relationships. Do not Queer people also fully express the imago dei, and long for intimate connection? And thus, do they too not merit the full legitimacy and inclusion of their relationships within the community of faith? I felt that within his definitions of masculinity and fatherhood room was left for this, and that perhaps he might have had to hold back somewhat in order to satisfy an employer or publisher for the time being.
I also was somewhat bemused by his perspective as (apparently) a child of the 1990s -–he might be interested to know that sexual shaming was not invented by the church of that era, as any of us older Boomers who knew couples who “had to get married” could tell you.
Lastly, the book was lacking much advice for those of us Boomers and Xers who are seeking to successfully parent present day adolescents and young adults, many of whom have left the church, into Non-toxic Men. How do we affirm their emerging sexuality without repeating our own errors and the errors of our parents?
Mr. Wagner still has time to grow as a parent, writer, pastor, and theologian—and I look forward to what he will produce.

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Helpful

Mark Gossage

A Needed Book on Mascsulinity!!!

Reviewed in the United States on April 24, 2023

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Zach Wagner writes a needed book on masculinity that is helpful in correcting the often “toxic masculinity” that is presented in male evangelical circles.

I appreciated Zach’s nuanced approach to this topic and works really hard to not over state his points trying to bring in both conservatives and progressives into the conversation rather than ostracize one over the other.

In addition, I respect how he incorporated his wife into the writing process with what he shares about their life together. He gifts readers with an intimate look into his life, marriage, and own journey into manhood which was humbling and encouraging to read.

Zach’s observations around purity culture, sexual prosperity Gospel, and “honeymoon” hype was really helpful especially in working to untangle healthy masculinity from alternative versions sold through purity culture.

My one greatest critique is that he spends 90% of his book saying what manhood / masculinity “is not” and doesn’t spend a lot of time of what masculinity is (outside of “parenthood” in board sense and manhood that isn’t dehumanizing to women). To be fair, scripture isn’t super clear around what “manhood” is and points all believers towards being more like Christ and acting in ways that respect the image in God in one another. However, I think spending more time towards building a case of healthy male sexuality would give his points more credibility in the long run.

In addition, his book needed a little more cohesion or focus to the organization to his work. The topics felt like a “shotgun” approach that covered a variety of topics and left the reader a little confused on where he was going.

Overall, regardless of the critiques, this book is well worth your time and I would recommend it to any man thinking deeply about how to be male in a Christian way that humanizes others and avoids the toxic version of masculinity.

4 people found this helpful

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Amazon Customer

Great points

Reviewed in the United States on May 17, 2023

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Having been raised in the purity culture, and working through the damage that caused, I decided to read this book. It had so many great points that I passed it on to my husband to read as well. While I may disagree with the author on some points, and LGBTQ, overall I still think this is worth the read. It's time to challenge males to be more Christ like instead of just saying that boys will be boys. Girls are not the holy spirit for young men, and this book really helped clarify that not only is that mind set damaging to women, but it is also damaging to the men.

2 people found this helpful

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Andrea

Super sad sex story

Reviewed in the United States on August 2, 2023

This super sad sex story is a case study in what happens when a boy learns about sex from mainstream porn and Mark Driscoll while receiving no accurate sex education. It is very much a needed book, as other reviews are saying, but perhaps because it was so urgent, it comes across as written more from the author’s wounds than from his scars. More time would have given him more perspective and would have made for a more coherent story. The most glaring incoherency was the author’s expectation that “our first days as husband and wife would be characterized by beautiful and innocent discovery” (p. 158) after he spent over a decade leading up to his marriage masturbating to porn and fanboying (his word, p. 168) over Mark Driscoll, whose sermons caused his female audience to clench their pelvic floors so hard that painful sex became the norm for Christian wives. It boggles the mind to wonder what could possibly be “beautiful and innocent” in one’s honeymoon when it is followed by years of both secular and Christian pornographic indoctrination. Another incoherency is that, given his evangelical socialization, he wasn’t concerned by his wife’s dislike of sex (p. 160) yet “this type of sex [the unwanted type] lost its appeal” (p. 51) for him about five years into the marriage. Perhaps this is because at that point his wife had finally made the case explicit to him (“confessed to me that she rarely desires sex”), but it seems from his other description that even without words it was obvious to him that his wife was averse to it. One can only hope that there will be opportunity for a sequel with the happy end this story lacks, as the author reveals that he and his wife have not yet found a way to enjoy sex with each other (it “continues to be a consistent source of mental stress and emotional pain,” p. 161), they just have it less often (p. 51).

One major correction that is needed not just to this book, but all the books discussing the origins of so-called purity culture is that it was not a response to the sexual revolution as they claim, since that happened in the 60s, while purity culture began in earnest in the 90s. The catalyst for this was the first Black female surgeon general Jocelyn Elders’ remark in 1994, amid the crises of AIDS and teen pregnancy, that masturbation would be a good alternative to partnered sex for young people. The fact that she was Bill Clinton’s appointee only further inflamed the evangelical ire and the purity industry with it pledges, rings, balls, etc. took off, while Elders was forced to resign.

Helpful

Robert Kinney

A review of other books.

Reviewed in the United States on September 12, 2023

Many of us grew up under Purity Culture. It helped many of us stay "pure" through high school and college. Maybe it even taught some of us that sex is evil and must be avoided; that part is not true. (Sex is wonderful in God’s eyes.) This book reviews the truths and myths that came out of purity Culture by reviewing many of the books that taught this.

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Panda Incognito

Unique, Powerful Resource

Reviewed in the United States on April 4, 2023

Zachary Wagner covers a dizzying array of issues in this book, unpacking the implications of evangelical purity culture on men's internal experiences, perception of their sexuality, and relationships with women. Wagner makes space for a range of different experiences, and in addition to sharing his own story, he also shares stories from other men, including some who left Christianity behind because of the harm they experienced within purity culture. Although Wagner holds to a traditional sexual ethic, he never focuses on defending it. Instead, he focuses on explaining why legalistic, unbiblical beliefs about sexuality are harmful, how these beliefs dehumanize both men and women, and how men can heal from harm done to them, repent of harm they may have done to women, and move forward into a healthier understanding of themselves, women, God, and human sexuality.

Thoughtful and Nuanced

Throughout this book, Wagner writes about harm done to women and men in purity culture. Sometimes, this involves calling men out for their problems, but he also acknowledges harm done to men through unwise teachings. I appreciated his reflections on the enormous shame and guilt that many Christian boys and men experience simply because they are sexual beings, feeling like horrible monsters just because they find the female form attractive. Wagner also addresses unique issues for gay men and men with low sex drives, who are usually marginalized and unacknowledged in the church. Overall, Wagner shares a very nuanced perspective about male sexuality, and his reflections on the harm and shame associated with pornography will be helpful for many men who feel guilty and unworthy because of this struggle without having any constructive way to view it or pursue effective change.

Wagner addresses a wide variety of ways that purity culture hurts people, sharing others' stories and writing about his own experiences from adolescence and as an adult married to a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. As he explains from the beginning, his wife gave him her full blessing to write about their sexual struggles within marriage and participated in parts of his writing process that involved her. Their honesty about this challenging topic can help people facing similar struggles, and Wagner writes about how being sensitive to his wife's needs required him to grow and mature beyond the low expectations that purity culture had for him.

Wagner shares thoughtful, nuanced perspectives on women's struggles within purity culture and church culture at large, and although he wrote this book primarily for men, he also invites a female readership. Overall, I found this helpful, but I would have preferred less emphasis on women's issues, since they have been a major part of sexuality discourse for so long and are the center of every conversation and resource about purity culture. Sure, not every man who picks up this book will already know a lot about women's issues, but many will, and I would have liked a greater focus on harm done to men, and more examples of what this ignored problem can look like.

My Biggest Critique

Most egregiously, even though Wagner writes about the impact of sexual abuse on boys' development, he only writes about male perpetrators. At one point, when he writes about harmful messaging in churches that portrays women as seductresses, he notes that "few women, and even fewer Christian women, intentionally use their sexuality to harm men." It is unusual, but it happens, and criminal abuse by women is typically under-reported, due to social stigma against male abuse victims and the confusion that boys may experience about what constitutes sexual abuse. "Healing the Wounded Heart" by Dan Allender is a helpful resource that acknowledges these realities and shares insight into female-against-male abuse dynamics.

Both men and women need to know and acknowledge that there are female perpetrators too, that there are women who behave in sexually manipulative ways, and that there are girls and women who don't respect their male partners' physical boundaries and take advantage of them. I wish this book had acknowledged these realities. This is probably just a blind spot for Wagner, not something he sidestepped to avoid offending women, but it disappointed me that he did not acknowledge additional wounds his male readers might be carrying, even though this book is ostensibly for them. I hope Wagner will reconsider how he addresses this in his future writing and speaking.

Conclusion

This book covers a wide range of important topics. People will agree or disagree with the author about different things, but there is something here for anyone who grew up around the kind of messaging around sexuality that Wagner unpacks. Regardless whether someone experienced any significant harm because of purity culture or not, there is something here for them, and although I sometimes wished that Wagner had narrowed this down to a more specific audience to speak with more emphasis on certain things instead of constantly acknowledging arguments for multiple different views, this book is accessible to people who grew up in this kind of environment or love someone who did, regardless of their current beliefs.

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