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It's Not Fair: Learning to Love the Life You Didn't Choose Paperback – August 16, 2016

by Melanie Dale (Author)
4.4 4.4 out of 5 stars 266 ratings
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Hey, you. Are you debating whether to destroy something with your bare hands or curl up on the couch for a decade or two?

This book will solve all of your problems. (Sheesh, that's aiming a bit high.)

This book is a cup of hot coffee, a ginormous bar of chocolate, or the magical fairy that comes over and does your dishes while you lie in the fetal position clutching a fluffy pillow.

Sometimes when life falls apart the only acceptable response is hysterical laughter. When things get so far gone, so spectacularly a world away from any plans you made or dreams you dreamed, you feel it bubbling up inside of you and you scream, "It's not fair!" And it isn't. Fair is an illusion, and life is weird.

This book will help you laugh at life's absurd backhands. This book is an empathetic groan of our collective unfairnesses. You might want to throw it across the room, and you might want to hug it like your new best friend. This book is about us sitting down together in our shared mess, taking a deep breath, gripping hands, looking the hard stuff in its beady little eyeballs, and bahahahaaing at it.

Life's not fair, but we can learn to love this life we didn't choose.

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Previous page
  1. Print length
    256 pages
  2. Language
    English
  3. Publisher
    Zondervan
  4. Publication date
    August 16, 2016
  5. Dimensions
    5.45 x 0.85 x 8.4 inches
  6. ISBN-10
    0310342147
  7. ISBN-13
    978-0310342144
  8. See all details
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Editorial Reviews

About the Author

Melanie Dale is a minivan mama and total weirdo who stinks at small talk. Her laugh is a combination honk-snort, and it’s so bad that people have moved away from her in the movie theater. She adores sci-fi and superheroes and is terrified of Pinterest. Author of Women Are Scary: The Totally Awkward Adventure of Finding Mom Friends, she loves speaking, writing for Coffee+Crumbs, and advocating for Children’s HopeChest. Living in the Atlanta area with her husband and three kids, she blogs at Unexpected.org.

Product details

  • Publisher ‏ : ‎ Zondervan (August 16, 2016)
  • Language ‏ : ‎ English
  • Paperback ‏ : ‎ 256 pages
  • ISBN-10 ‏ : ‎ 0310342147
  • ISBN-13 ‏ : ‎ 978-0310342144
  • Item Weight ‏ : ‎ 8.1 ounces
  • Dimensions ‏ : ‎ 5.45 x 0.85 x 8.4 inches
  • Customer Reviews:
    4.4 4.4 out of 5 stars 266 ratings

About the author

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Melanie Dale

Melanie Dale

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AUTHOR, SCREENWRITER, LOVER OF GOOD STORIES AND GREAT FRIENDS.

Melanie Dale is the author of four books, WOMEN ARE SCARY, IT'S NOT FAIR, INFREAKINFERTILITY, and CALM THE H*CK DOWN. She’s a writer for showrunner Greg Nicotero’s horror anthology TV series CREEPSHOW, and she was honored to write the teleplay for the episode “Twittering from the Circus of the Dead,” starring Joey King and based on the short story by one of her favorite authors, Joe Hill. She also was excited to bring vampires into the Creepshow world with her episode “Sibling Rivalry,” starring Molly Ringwald.

Melanie is a monthly contributor for the parenting site Coffee+Crumbs and her essays are published in THE MAGIC OF MOTHERHOOD. She has appeared on Good Morning America and has been featured in articles in Cosmopolitan, Real Simple, The Bump, Working Mother, the Atlanta Journal-Constitution, and the Los Angeles Times. To get out of the office, she spent the last few years shambling about as various zombies on THE WALKING DEAD. She and her husband live in the Atlanta area with three kids from three different continents and an anxious Maltipoo named Khaleesi.

Customer reviews

4.4 out of 5 stars
4.4 out of 5
266 global ratings
Beautiful must read for anyone who has ever experienced pain.
5 Stars
Beautiful must read for anyone who has ever experienced pain.
This book is just beautiful. The author shares both personal and friends' sprites of infertility, failed marriage, unexpected death and loss...it's an honest look at how life just doesn't look the way we expect and what we can do/be if we are the one in pain and how we can help/be when we see people in pain. She's funny, snarky and points back to Jesus over and over. It's an emotional but beautiful read. Highly recommend.
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Top reviews from the United States

Cathy
5.0 out of 5 stars Buy This Book!
Reviewed in the United States on January 17, 2023
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Probably the best book I have ever read on how to cope, or how to help someone else cope, with the unfairness of life. So much practical advice here, but mostly, it feels like a fuzzy blanket, and a warm hug, and a “poor baby” when you are feeling lost in the messy middle of life’s hard.
Slightly irreverent, but raw and authentic, and ultimately God-glorifying. I loved it!
2 people found this helpful
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4.0 out of 5 stars A great book for anyone who has ever lived
Reviewed in the United States on May 18, 2017
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A great book for anyone who has ever lived. Seriously, if you are living there is a good chance that at some point, you have been dealt a hard blow, and this book is about getting through it. More importantly, this book is not preachy, judgmental, or directive, it is simply a good book that makes you laugh and helps you realize "I can do this!"
One person found this helpful
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Sara M.
5.0 out of 5 stars Fantastic book for those struggling when life gets turned upside down
Reviewed in the United States on October 19, 2016
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I loved this book for many reasons. One: Melanie's writing style is conversational and hilarious. Reading this while in the midst of my own struggles with infertility, it felt really good to giggle. Two: I appreciated her honesty. She doesn't sugar coat the hard reality of dealing with crises. Three: While Melanie totally "gets" the need and *importance* of staying in PJs and binge watching Netflix and angry crying, she doesn't leave it there. She offers encouragement to put on your pants and keep moving. Instead of asking "Why is God allowing this bad thing to happen?" she encourages us to ask "What is my part in the solution?". I wanted to read this book to gain insight into how to deal with my own issues, but, amazingly, while reading it I felt my focus turning outward as I began to wonder how I can support others going through hard stuff too.

I know I will read this book again and again when the "its not fair" feelings start to creep back in.
7 people found this helpful
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Amy Odland
5.0 out of 5 stars Do you feel like that cookie man on the cover? Then read this book!
Reviewed in the United States on August 16, 2016
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The maimed cookie man on the front says it all…life has beaten you up and you’re crying “It’s not FAIR!!” Well then…this is the book for you! The author’s quirky sense of humor is exactly what you need when you’re in the midst of a disappointing life occurrence – because laughter really is the best medicine. She says this is a ‘sit-with-you’ book and in addition to the comforting “Me too”s she advises of, she also offers alternative ways to dealing with the stupid things people say to us when we’re in the pit of despair. If you’ve ever gotten an ill-timed “God’s timing is perfect!” you know exactly what I’m talking about here! She tackles the tough questions like “why do bad things happen” and “how to survive the death of a dream,” all while giving us Christians permission to talk about the things that make us unpeppy and oh-so-not-happy. Also included: bible verses, movie quotes, and comfort-food recipes, oh my!! Just like her first book Women Are Scary, I guarantee by the time you get to the end of this one, you’ll feel like Melanie is your bestie.
7 people found this helpful
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Dexterlicious
5.0 out of 5 stars So amazing!
Reviewed in the United States on September 4, 2017
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After hearing from our doctor that we had been through our infertility treatment options, I was devistated. I was looking for a book on how to cope and wanting to feel like I wasn't alone. This book was the most amazing thing that came into my life. For the next few days I couldn't put it down. Melanie's humor lifted my spirits and brought back joy that I had lost. Her faith in God and amazing scriptures really restored so much faith that I had been to angry to remember. Although no two families journey through infertility is the same, Melanie really made me feel like I had a friend who understood.
5 people found this helpful
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Erin Bermudez
3.0 out of 5 stars Strong religious tone
Reviewed in the United States on February 1, 2019
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This book has a very strong Christian tone throughout the book with many mentions of God and Bible verses. While I don’t mind this I did not feel it was advertised this way and it makes no mention of it in the book description.
19 people found this helpful
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KatieF
4.0 out of 5 stars A great book on straightening your shoulders and powering through
Reviewed in the United States on October 25, 2016
Verified Purchase
I love Melanie Dale's work - I own her first book and was excited to purchase this one. She speaks a lot to me, as I've had a bad couple of years with my mother's cancer, my father's untimely death, huge financial obstacles that were flung at us out of nowhere, and then great news (a new baby) that had me plasterin ga smile on my face even on my bad days, because it's hard to feel like it's "okay" to feel like it's not fair when finally, something good has happened. Melanie's book is a short and sweet antidote to all those smiles and "God has a plan"s that can wear you down during the hard times.

Sometimes her humor feels a bit forced, but I think that's partially from her language being kind of breezy and blog-friendly, which doesn't translate as well into book form in my experience. Nonetheless, highly recommended. I laughed out loud several times while reading this book! And teared up within the first few pages.
One person found this helpful
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linds
5.0 out of 5 stars Authentic and real!
Reviewed in the United States on August 22, 2016
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Melanie describes herself in her book as "the quirky friend you call for a pep talk or to agree with you that your boyfriend is a total bunghole and you are so much better than that", and that's an accurate description of what it's like reading this book! She doesn't try to fix your problems, or even tell you that she understands what you're going through, but this book is a friend who will sit next to you and hold your hand in the valleys and doesn't say the "nice" but unhelpful things people say to try to cheer up someone who is suffering (she even dedicates a whole chapter to this: Things You Should Say If You Want A Good Face Punch.")

She is authentic and real and vulnerable, and it's so refreshing to be reassured that it's OK to be upset and angry with God about our unfair circumstances, and that we don't always have to be "fine", but that we can take our complaints to God and he's still in control. Melanie is also hilarious, so you'll definitely find a smile or two or fifty in these pages :)
2 people found this helpful
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Top reviews from other countries

Stephanie H.
1.0 out of 5 stars Too religious, no disclosure
Reviewed in Germany on March 3, 2024
Verified Purchase
Unfortunately "christian" based. Bible verses, Jesus references etc.
Not usable for me as I'm not religious.
The book is not even inclusive. Statements like "take your friend to church if they feel down!" could have easily included phrases like "church/temple/mosque/place of spiritual comfort".

Waste of money for me as I can't read over the religious nonsense.
Very promising title, very disappointing outcome...
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Yager yanagisawa
5.0 out of 5 stars Even though I'm not currently experiencing great struggles I really enjoyed laughing and crying my way ...
Reviewed in Canada on September 15, 2017
Verified Purchase
Not so much of a self help book as a sit beside you in your struggle kind of book. Even though I'm not currently experiencing great struggles I really enjoyed laughing and crying my way through this book. Melanie is honest and transparent in her thoughts and feelings.
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Val Kindlefan
5.0 out of 5 stars I would recommend this book very highly to anyone struggling with major ...
Reviewed in the United Kingdom on May 22, 2017
Verified Purchase
I would recommend this book very highly to anyone struggling with major life events that are not of your choosing. An inspiring and helpful book for all ages.
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Valentina Forno
1.0 out of 5 stars Only for religious persons.
Reviewed in Italy on December 4, 2016
Verified Purchase
The book is well written and I would have enjoyed it, if I was a religious person. I find it very odd that God is never mentioned in the description of the book, as there's not even one page where he is not mentioned in the book. If you are religious (any religion would do, she's Christian but it doesn't matter) then go for it, if you're an atheist like me that cringes anytime I read "everything was going wrong but I knew God knew what he was doing and I just had to have faith in him" or "when things are really hard pray harder", stay away from it. If I knew that this whole book was about having faith in god I would have never bought it, but it wasn't mentioned anywhere, so here's why I'm giving it 1 star: I feel cheated.
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Ellelein Kirk
5.0 out of 5 stars A DIFFERENT LIFE
Reviewed in the United Kingdom on March 14, 2017
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Reading this book is like chatting to a friend. It is encouraging but points out to our silliness in a way that you feel not judged. I thoroughly recommend it.
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