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It's OK Not to Share and Other Renegade Rules for Raising Competent and Compassionate Kids Paperback – Illustrated, August 2, 2012
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The “rules” in this book focus on the toddler and preschool years—an important time for laying the foundation for competent and compassionate older kids and then adults. Here are a few of the rules:
• It’s OK if it’s not hurting people or property
• Bombs, guns and bad guys allowed.
• Boys can wear tutus.
• Pictures don’t have to be pretty.
• Paint off the paper!
• Sex ed starts in preschool
• Kids don’t have to say “Sorry.”
• Love your kid’s lies.
IT’S OK NOT TO SHARE is an essential resource for any parent hoping to avoid PLAYDATEGATE (i.e. your child’s behavior in a social interaction with another child clearly doesn’t meet with another parent’s approval)!
- Print length400 pages
- LanguageEnglish
- PublisherTarcherPerigee
- Publication dateAugust 2, 2012
- Dimensions6.04 x 1.07 x 9 inches
- ISBN-101585429368
- ISBN-13978-1585429363
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Editorial Reviews
Review
–The Washington Post "On Parenting"
"An insightful, sensible and compassionate book full of downright revolutionary ideas."
–Salon.com
"Brilliant. . . . It's OK Not to Share is an enlightening book that will make you take a second look at everything you believe."
–Parents.com
"Did you read the title and think, what the heck? Me, too. Not only did I read it to figure out the title, I underlined about a third–it's that good."
–Melissa Taylor, ImaginationSoup.net
"What an amazing book! [Shumaker] challenge[s] the parenting myths and fallacies that our society has embraced for so long."
–Provider Resource Organization
"A breath of fresh air."
–Jane Pratt, founder of xoJane.com
"These 'renegade rules' will resonate with what you know to be true, speak to what you want most for your children, and teach you how to achieve it. Don't let this one slip off your reading list."
–Dr. Becky Bailey, author of Conscious Discipline and Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline
"This beautifully written book. . . provides immediate, sanity-saving answers to tough parenting questions. I highly recommend it."
–Michael Gurian, author of The Wonder of Boys and The Good Son
"From 'Bombs, Guns, and Bad Guys Allowed' to '"I Hate You!" Is Nothing Personal,' the table of contents alone is music to my ears. Heather Shumaker is a healthy mom I can relate to–and I'll bet you will too, when you hear out her logic."
–Paula Spencer Scott, author of Momfidence!
"A refreshing change from the usual admonitions. . . Shumaker's Renegade Rules are based on what children really need."
–Lawrence J. Cohen, author of Playful Parenting
"Shumaker beautifully shows us why letting kids be kids may be the single most important thing we can do as parents."
–Anthony T. DeBenedet, M.D. coauthor of The Art of Roughhousing
"A must-read for parents and teachers. This is a book you will want with you all the time."
–Daniel Hodgins, author of Boys: Changing the Classroom, Not the Child
"A no-nonsense commonsense appraoch. . . As you read this book, you will begin to feel the stress of parenting melt away."
–Vivian Kirkfield, PositiveParentalParticipation.com
About the Author
Product details
- Publisher : TarcherPerigee; Illustrated edition (August 2, 2012)
- Language : English
- Paperback : 400 pages
- ISBN-10 : 1585429368
- ISBN-13 : 978-1585429363
- Item Weight : 2.31 pounds
- Dimensions : 6.04 x 1.07 x 9 inches
- Best Sellers Rank: #39,277 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
- #42 in School-Age Children Parenting
- #92 in Parenting Boys
- #167 in Baby & Toddler Parenting
- Customer Reviews:
About the authors
Heather Shumaker is an author and national speaker. Her most recent book, The Griffins of Castle Cary, is an award-winning adventure for ages 8-12. Her books have been translated into French, Chinese, Korean, Arabic, and more. Find her podcasts BookSmitten and Renegade Rules and her author talks on YouTube. Heather visits conferences, schools, libraries, Battle of the Books programs, book clubs and stores. www.heathershumaker.com
Discover more of the author’s books, see similar authors, read author blogs and more
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Heather Shumaker has put together 29 "Renegade Rules". The rules provide an unorthodox angle on common parenting issues, and each is based on successful practices in child development centers and homes around the world.
Shumaker is a journalist who had the good fortune to be enrolled as a young child in a preschool that respected the individuality and developmental needs of each child. Her mother was even a teacher there, so the ground rules set forth at school were carried over into her home. It's OK Not to Share cites a multitude of other authors, experts in early childhood development and psychology. I've read a number of these books and value them, so Shumaker's text fit nicely with my overall approach to mothering my son. While many of her assertions were quite familiar to me already, I found in her book a number of very useful specific suggestions for dealing with tricky situations.
"It's OK Not to Share" covers a gamut of early childhood topics. The book discusses a need to revive unstructured, free play for all children. It shows us how to deal with the wild emotions of little ones. It helps us discover the best way to help our kids become compassionate, giving, and conflict-resolving people. It tells us it's not only okay to let our children do stuff that many adults (particularly women) find too scary: climb trees, wear clothing of the opposite sex, exclude the opposite sex from play, paint off the paper, shoot toy guns, roughhouse, jump off things, discuss sex and death, and punch each other. These things are vital in becoming competent adults. Try to think back on what you were allowed to do as a child, before our culture became awash in unfounded fear.
There are many more topics besides these, and the overarching philosophy is that we ought to respect our children in their unique journeys. What we do as parents ought not betray our kids in favor of toeing the line with other parents.
What makes this book really useful is that each of the chapters is laid out in a similar way. Each Renegade Rule is well explained, several real-world examples are given, and each rule is supported with research and anecdotal evidence. The text is so expansive it goes 400 pages long, rather hefty considering that the typical parenting book is under 300 pages.
I love most of what I read in the book "Unconditional Parenting" by Alfie Kohn. It deals with the concepts of respect for the child, unconditional love, and the emotional damage that punishment causes. But many parents came away from that book thinking, well I understand what not to do or say; now what? Shumaker's book comes along and fills in the gaps nicely. We come to learn a number of phrases to avoid and what to replace them with. Shumaker even wraps up the book by offering advice for living the Renegade Rules in real life, where we know all too well how judgmental other adults can be.
I want to discuss my five favorite Renegade Rules here, to give you a taste. It's so hard to pick just five:
It's OK If It's Not Hurting People or Property
This is the one that has had the most impact on my parenting decisions since I first read it. This is how I have convinced my husband more than once to chill out. If Theo's climbing up the slide and nobody's waiting to come down, or crashing a stick into a vernal pool, or attempting some risky maneuver (but only mildly risky,) or even just making a silly fool of himself, the question is who or what is it hurting? If we can't come up with a good answer, we keep our mouths shut about it. We may even embrace it.
Kids Need Conflict
All too often we are tempted to step in and help our little ones avoid a conflict. We scoop them up, or command them to share. We solve the problem before it needed to be solved, and it is solved by the wrong people. Intruders. Instead, we can serve as mediators. "Do you like it when Billy does that? No? Then tell him. Billy, John has told you he doesn't like that. Do you still want to play together? Can you promise not to do that again?" I love how this book shows us how to help kids deal with conflict through clear communication, rather than avoid it.
It's OK Not to Share
I have a friend who heard of the title of this book and responded quite strongly. He is convinced that the problem with kids today is that they are not being taught to share. I agree with Shumaker that the problem is that we are demanding that our children share as if their own needs are irrelevant. This approach does not make kids compassionate. They learn that sharing is unpleasant, it comes with interruption at an inconvenient time, and that it is dictated by powerful adults. It is disrespectful the child's process of play with the object.
Rather, if we let a child keep a plaything until she is all done with it, she will often gladly hand it over to the waiting child. Then there comes that burst of good feeling from having willingly shared, and a child who experiences that likely wants that feeling again. That's the beginning of true generosity. And the next child knows she will be able to keep it as long as she likes, her playtime not ruined by a time limit or an abrupt takeover. Eventually you have a child who knows his play engagement is being respected, and will (and does) share because he wants to.
Bombs, Guns and Bad Guys Allowed
I am becoming so alarmed by news stories of small children being suspended for pretending to have guns or grenades. These little people are having their academic records tainted, and their psyches damaged, by grownups who take a child's gun play far too seriously. You cannot prevent a child from becoming violent by preventing him from pointing his finger at a friend and saying pew pew. And he will not become violent because he pretended to be a bad guy with a bomb. Overreacting to the imaginative play that makes some adults uncomfortable is far more likely to produce resentful children who, I don't know, may become more violent as a result.
Kids Don't Have to Say "Sorry"
Short and sweet: if a child doesn't mean she's sorry, she shouldn't have to say it. The youngest children who are often compelled to say these words don't really know what they mean. So what the child learns is that it's okay to do certain behaviors, or be careless, because all you have to do afterwards is say you're sorry. Instead, we ought to point out how her behavior hurt someone else, how that other child is crying for example. Let the first child get a sense of how her actions affect other. Then ask her if she can agree not to do it again. Chances are she will really try not to.
Give Kids Power: Schumaker states that children often act out because of their need to feel a certain amount of power. Too much or too little power in their lives,and they act out in ways that aren't appropriate. Whenever my daughter starts to throw lots of tantrums or act out in other ways, I immediately asses whether or not she's had enough opportunities to feel powerful in her daily life. Some of her favorite activities that help her feel more powerful are climbing and using her muscles in roughhousing play, throwing rocks in water or at a bucket, blowing a whistle or yelling loudly outside, and standing up to paint. Implementing any one of these activities (many more are listed in the chapter) produce almost immediate results. She's happier, less prone to tantrums, and more likely to listen to me, even if I say "no". These results were very apparent from the very first day I used these tools.
It's ok NOT to share: I babysit my friend's 2-year-old and this rule has been extremely helpful when dealing with grabby toddlers. Again, from the first day I used the new "rule", the grabbing and fighting over toys ceased almost immediately. I simply told both children that they would get a turn when so-and-so was "all done", and they could ask the other girl to bring them their toy when she was finished. Within a week, they were asking each other to bring it over when "all done" without any prompting from me, and more, they actually bring it to each other! I only need to give an occasional reminder of the words to use instead of grabbing, and this has reduced my need to constantly monitor their play and be a referee.
All feelings are OK. All behavior isn't: This rule has helped me as an adult more than anything, as it has given me a perspective on toddler's big emotions. It's ok for them to feel sad, mad, and it's ok to express those feelings - just as long as it's not hurting people or property (including themselves and feelings - another Renegade Rule you'll learn about.) Tantrums do not even phase me anymore, because I know they just need to get that big emotion out, and I have other tools to use in those situations. Hitting a pillow, ripping paper, and throwing beanbags at a target are all things we now keep in our "mad corner", and my daughter takes herself there when she is upset and uses what she needs to get those emotions out. Then she comes right back to me and we talk about the situation. It's like magic, to see a 2-year-old (almost 3) get angry, take herself to a place where she can feel that anger but not hurt anyone, and then come back to figure out a solution. I have even used this rule when my husband and I get into arguments!! It's ok to be angry, but it's not ok to hurt each other with our words.
I could go on forever but then this review would be too long to read. Just buy the book yourself and you'll see how amazing it is - I promise you'll get at least one thing out of it you can implement in your home with amazing results!
Top reviews from other countries
I mentioned the book's ideas on 'not sharing' with my closest friend, whose son is also 2, and we practised the author's advice. We noticed immediately that it worked. The children were willing to talk to each other (we gave them the words) and respect their own agreement to take turns. And it removed all confrontation that might be felt between parents because what we were doing was getting the children to talk to each other (rather than giving out orders). Both children felt respected & safe to play with a toy until 'done'.
After that, we broached the subject to other parents who we met with, when we found that they had the same problems over sharing (when to say something, forcing your child to 'share' their toys when they weren't done to appease another parent/child etc). They were open to trying the technique but doubted their child's willingness to co-operate. They were then amazed to see their child accept the final outcome (usually without tears or frustration).
Of course, there are other topics discussed in the book, which are very interesting & offer the same level of common sense. But I bought it for the chapter on sharing & was not disappointed.
However, the book covers far more than that. It definitely is worth reading in full. The author ends each chapter with example statements to use to encourage kids to solve problems, voice their feelings with words and become more assertive and independent. There also lists of phrases to avoid, though those are commonplace. I thought those were very useful, and found in many other books. Any family who encounters communication issues would benefit from reading this.
I think the point made about conflicts is the most useful. Unfortunately, too many people recommend to just ignore squabbles and they will disappear. I still read that in recent parenting books. I think it is much better to intervene, as long as you do so properly as Heather recommends, because that way it will not be the same kid who wins and the same one who loses and gives up.
A worthwile read for any parents or childcare providers who believe in a positive form of discipline, based on communication and problem-solving rather than punishment.