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The Girl I Used to Be Kindle Edition
The morning after real estate agent Gemma Brogan has dinner with a prospective client, she's furious at herself for drinking so much. But there will be more to regret than a nasty hangover.
She starts receiving mementos from that night: A photo of a hallway kiss. A video of her complaining about her husband. And worse...much worse. The problem is she doesn't remember any of it.
As the blackmailing and menace ramp up, Gemma fears for her already shaky marriage. The paranoia, the feeling that her life is spiraling out of control, will take her back to another night--years ago--that changed everything. And Gemma will realize just how far the shadows from her past can reach...
- LanguageEnglish
- PublisherBerkley
- Publication dateApril 24, 2018
- File size2986 KB
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Editorial Reviews
Review
“Mary Torjussen spins a clever, fast-paced tale with a twist so sharp it will give readers whiplash.”—Tami Hoag, #1 New York Times bestselling author of The Bitter Season
“Gone Without a Trace has one of the most interesting narrators I’ve ever come across. Suspenseful and subtle, this novel plays with all of your expectations. Not to be missed!”—Shari Lapena, New York Times bestselling author of The Couple Next Door
“Gripping suspense with a chilling twist. Mary Torjussen kept me turning the pages to the very last.”—Meg Gardiner, Edgar Award–winning author of Unsub
“Torjussen’s debut novel combines tightly wound suspense with an unfolding surprise ending, making for a gripping page-turner from start to finish. Fans of Gillian Flynn’s Gone Girl and Alafair Burke’s If You Were Here will love this.”—Library Journal (starred review)
“Grabbed me right away with its mind-blowing and heartbreaking premise, and I couldn’t read fast enough as the book revealed a series of twisting and even jaw-dropping surprises. This thriller thrills, but it’s grounded by complicated, complex, and sometimes deeply flawed characters I couldn't stop thinking about. An absorbing, shocking thriller!”—David Bell, bestselling author of Bring Her Home
“[A] strong debut....The deliciously dark conclusion is perfect for this tale of all-consuming obsession, jealousy, and the secrets that lie beneath the most perfect of exteriors.”—Publishers Weekly
“Will keep readers on the edges of their seats as they delve into Hannah’s troubled mind....Readers will be absorbed in this hard look at human nature and the lengths we will go to protect what we feel is ours.”—Booklist
“Torjussen draws you into Hannah’s plight until you’re wrapped in it like the coils of an anaconda. It’s a maze of madness and obsession that holds you until the final devastating line of the story.”—Suspense Magazine
“[A] creepy, adrenaline fueled thriller....Fans of Claire Mackintosh and J.T. Ellison will find plenty here to love. The concept is unique, with a clever setup that hooks on page one....The writing is sleek, the pace is propulsive, and the tale’s tension remains palpable throughout. In a subgenre where third-act twists are the norm, Gone Without a Trace is the rare domestic thriller that simultaneously shocks, challenges convention, and delivers an important social message....the book’s final page is guaranteed to chill.”—Mystery Scene Magazine
“[An] engrossing psychological thriller....Paula Hawkins fans will find a lot to like.”—Publishers Weekly
About the Author
Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.
Present day
Friday, June 16
When I saw him for the first time, I didn't think he'd be trouble. He was tall and broad, built like a rugby player, nice enough, I suppose, but not the kind of man you'd necessarily look twice at in the street. At first glance he looked harmless enough. That's how men like him operate, I suppose.
I saw him that morning, looking at the advertising boards in the window of the estate agency I own, but didn't take a lot of notice at first. Over the course of a day maybe a hundred or so people will look at the boards, trying to decide which house they'd buy if they had the chance, and I'd quickly learned that an expression of interest did not mean a sale. He looked for a while, moving from the cheapest houses to the most expensive. I remember idly wondering what he was looking for.
When he did come in, he hung about in the doorway, as though he were waiting for someone. I glanced around and saw that Rachel, our sales negotiator, was at the photocopier and Brian, our lettings manager, was busy with a tenant. Usually we leave clients to look around, but he seemed uncertain, so I caught his eye and smiled.
"Good morning," I said. "Can I help you with anything?"
"I'm David Sanderson," he said, coming to sit at my desk. "I have an appointment."
"Oh yes," I said, flustered. He was an hour earlier than I'd expected and I'd planned to run out to meet my friend Grace for coffee for half an hour. "Hi. I'm Gemma Brogan." We shook hands. "Just a moment, I'll call up your details."
While I did that, I surreptitiously sent Grace a quick e-mail. Sorry, can't meet. Another day?
"So you're looking for somewhere in the city center," I said. "I can see you've selected a number you like the look of."
"I'm still not sure whether to go for an apartment or a house," he said. He smiled then, a great smile that made his face light up. It transformed him from someone you wouldn't really notice to someone you'd definitely remember. I couldn't help but smile back. "I'm not sure if I'm ready for a house. I'd rather be near some bars and a gym."
"Will you be buying on your own?"
I could see Sophie, our junior administrator, who was always on the lookout for a boyfriend, give a sidelong look at Rachel. I could tell from the way they both became very still that they were waiting for his answer.
"Yes, I'm single," he said. "I'm just looking for somewhere for myself."
I reckoned he was around my age, in his midthirties. Now that he was at ease and smiling, it was hard to believe he wasn't snapped up already, though of course he could be divorced.
"Are you from Chester?" I asked. "I'm trying to place your accent."
"I grew up in the northwest but I've been working over in the States for the last ten years or so. Boston. My company's transferred me to the UK for a while. A few years, I guess. I've sold up over there; no point in keeping the old place going."
"Who're you working for?"
"Barford's. I'm in sales."
I nodded. Barford's was a large pharmaceutical company that had its headquarters on an industrial estate just outside Chester. I'd found properties for a couple of people there; it was supposed to be a great place to work.
He clarified the price he was willing to spend; it was in the upper ballpark of properties in Chester, and I started to get excited. We had plenty of properties on our books. Things were moving more slowly than usual and I knew I could find him something. He'd named a great price and he was willing to try out a lot of different areas. I had to sell to him. I didn't want to have to come back to the office and tell my staff that he had decided to go elsewhere.
"I'll get some details," I said. "I won't be a moment." I saw that Sophie was busy with a client, so I called over to Rachel, who was putting brochures in the window. "Rachel, would you make Mr. Sanderson a drink, please?" It wasn't her job to do that, but in such a small office we all had to take on that duty if someone else was busy.
She came over to my desk. "Would you like tea or coffee?"
"I'll have coffee, thanks," he said.
"How do you like it?"
I glanced at her and had to stop myself from laughing. Her face was pink and she couldn't bring herself to meet his eyes. She and Sophie were always the same when a good-looking guy came into the office. They were both young and single, though Sophie had nerves of steel when it came to dating, while Rachel seemed more shy and nervous.
He smiled at her. "White, no sugar, thanks."
She blushed again and disappeared into our tiny kitchen behind the office. Sophie swiftly followed her and I could hear muffled giggles.
We drank the coffee and went through the details of some of the properties I had. He seemed particularly interested in the apartments that overlooked the River Dee and others that were in the center of the city.
I glanced at the office diaries online. I would normally send Rachel out, but she had another appointment that morning. I had a valuation in several hours' time, at four p.m. "You said in your e-mail you were free until three p.m. I can take you to view some properties now, if you like."
"That would be great," he said. "I'd love to look around this area; I don't know it well at all."
"Just give me a few minutes," I said. "I'll make a few calls and get my keys."
"I can drive us if you like."
"It's fine, thanks," I said. "It'll be easier if I drive. I know the quickest routes."
I asked Sophie to take some details from him and he went over to sit with her. Sophie was only eighteen and fresh from school. She was still learning the ropes; I'd had to weigh up experience versus cost when I'd employed her and still wasn't sure I'd made the right decision. As I made my calls I saw her, her face bright with excitement, asking David for his details and laboriously entering them into the computer.
I always drive round to the front of the office to pick up clients, so that they donÕt have to go through the back and into the car park. As soon as he got into my little car I could see I should have let him drive his own. He was over six feet tall with long legs and broad shoulders, and he looked really cramped in the passenger seat.
"I'm sorry!" I said as he struggled with the seat belt. "Shall we go in your car? I can direct you."
"It's fine." He turned and grinned at me. "I used to drive a Mini."
I laughed.
"My mum bought herself one when I was seventeen," he said. "I think she thought it would put me off borrowing it."
"And did it?"
"No, but I saved up for my own much quicker than I would have if she'd had a bigger car."
"Clever woman. I'll have to remember that when my son's old enough to drive."
"How old is he now?"
"Three." I smiled. Every time I thought of Rory, I smiled. "Plenty of time to go."
The first property I took him to was an apartment block set in a gated courtyard within the city walls. As I drove, he asked questions about the area and I talked to him about the old Roman walls that encircled the city.
"Walking around the walls of the city is a great way to get to know Chester," I said. "It's a couple of miles and you follow the wall around-it's virtually complete. You get to see the racecourse, the castle, and the cathedral as well as the River Dee. So you can see, it's a pretty small city, but it's got a lot going for it."
"Have you lived here long?" he asked.
I nodded and told him I'd grown up on the Wirral, twenty-five miles north of Chester. "I moved down to London to university and then moved here."
"You were in London? I was there, too. Imperial. I studied maths. How about you?"
"Queen Mary's. Business. I graduated in 2005."
"Me too!" He grinned at me. "That's weird. And then you moved back north?"
"I always wanted to work for myself, but it's virtually impossible in London, so I moved here about seven years ago when I decided to open my own business. I love it here."
"That's your own agency? You've done pretty well."
"Thanks. I love having my own place."
I was really proud of myself for owning my own business. It had always been my dream. I trained as an estate agent immediately after graduating, and worked down in London for a few years. Sales were high in those days, so my commission was, too, and I saved as much as I could, knowing I wanted my own place in the future. When I met Joe, we decided to head north so I could set up on my own. It would have been impossible to do that in London. I have a few properties that I've bought to rent out, too. It seemed crazy not to, when there were cheap houses coming up at auction. We're managing agents for a number of landlords, so it's just as easy to manage mine at the same time.
"It's a big responsibility, though, isn't it?"
I nodded. "It's a lot of work sometimes, but I love working for myself."
"I'd love to do that," he said. "I'm in a great job, but there's something about having your own business . . . I'd really like to try it. Did you buy an existing agency?"
"Yes, I bought one that had been running for a few years."
What did you do about staff?"
"Brian, the older guy who was in the office when you came in, was someone I inherited. He was a lifesaver; he's worked in lettings for years and knows all the local landlords and tradespeople. I leave the letting side to him, though he's heading for retirement now and works shorter weeks. It won't be too long before I have to look for a replacement for him, I suppose. I hired the women myself."
We arrived at the first apartment and took the lift to the fifth floor. The previous owners had already moved, so a sale could go ahead quickly.
"Hmm, this is pretty nice," he said. "How long has it been unoccupied?"
"They've just moved out," I said. "Last month. May. It's much better that it's empty; you could move in within weeks. You'll probably find there's room to maneuver on the price, too. If the vendor's still paying a mortgage, they'll want a fast sale."
He went over to the window and opened the doors to the balcony that overlooked the central courtyard. There was space out there for a small table and a couple of chairs. He closed the doors without comment, then went into the bathroom. There was nothing to complain about there and he went into the kitchen, pulling out drawers and opening cupboards. Everything there was high spec; it was just the kind of place I thought he'd like.
"What do you think?" He smiled over at me. "Could you see me here?"
I laughed. "It's a great city center apartment. Well, on the edge of the city, which is better, really. You don't get the noise."
"Oh, I don't know," he said. "It's pretty noisy out there, when the French doors are open."
"Really? It seems quiet to me. Well, it's the middle of the day, so there'll be a lot of tourists and shoppers. At night it'd be much quieter."
He nodded. "Let's go. Where's next?"
Next was a house in a popular area a couple of miles from the center of town. It had its own busy center, with bars and restaurants, gyms and shops.
"Houses move quickly here," I said as I showed him around. "This one's only been on the market for a few days and I'm expecting it to go by the end of the month."
"Sounds great," he said. "I could be living here within a couple of months."
I smiled, absolutely certain that pretty soon he'd be making an offer on one of our properties.
By midafternoon, though, I'd shown him six places, and although he'd enthused about them all, when I dropped him off at the office he made no suggestion that he'd be taking any of them further.
"I'll be in touch in the next few days," he said.
"Great!" I smiled at him. "I'll look forward to it."
"Any luck?" asked Sophie as I entered the office.
I frowned. A number of people were looking at houses listed on the boards and looked up in interest when she called out.
"Can I see you for a moment?" I asked, and went into the kitchen to wait for her. She bounced in, but the smile left her face when I reminded her not to call out in the office. "Just e-mail me or ask me quietly if it's busy out there."
She squirmed with embarrassment. "Sorry."
Rachel came into the kitchen and filled the kettle for tea.
I said, "That's okay," to Sophie. I didn't like to reprimand her while anyone else was around.
She was only down for a moment, though, before she nudged me, saying, "How did it go with that guy? He was nice, wasn't he?"
I laughed. "I could tell you liked him."
"Tall, dark, and handsome," she mused. "Fit, too. Gorgeous. Rachel thought he was, too."
"I did not!"
"Yes, you did. Pity he's too old for us."
I raised my eyebrows. "He's my age, thanks."
"That's what I mean."
Rachel, her face scarlet now, nudged her, and I left them to it.
But later, before we closed the office, I called a meeting so we could thrash out some ideas for properties for David. We got together a list of another six that we thought he'd love, and then I e-mailed him to see whether he wanted to see any of the others.
He replied immediately.
They sound great. I particularly liked the third one we saw today, the one with the view of the racecourse. I need to get my mortgage sorted out first, though-will be in touch soon.
I sighed. He'd told me he had his mortgage sorted. It seemed he was yet another client messing me around. I'd learned from experience that until someone had got a guaranteed mortgage, they weren't seriously looking. I guessed we wouldn't be seeing him again, but I wrote back saying he should let me know if he wanted me to recommend a financial adviser.
Will do, he replied. See you soon.
Product details
- ASIN : B074663XMQ
- Publisher : Berkley (April 24, 2018)
- Publication date : April 24, 2018
- Language : English
- File size : 2986 KB
- Text-to-Speech : Enabled
- Screen Reader : Supported
- Enhanced typesetting : Enabled
- X-Ray : Not Enabled
- Word Wise : Enabled
- Sticky notes : On Kindle Scribe
- Print length : 366 pages
- Page numbers source ISBN : 0399585036
- Best Sellers Rank: #1,521,748 in Kindle Store (See Top 100 in Kindle Store)
- #12,179 in Psychological Thrillers (Kindle Store)
- #18,884 in Crime Thrillers (Kindle Store)
- #26,032 in Psychological Thrillers (Books)
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I am a big fan of Mary Torjussen’s last book Gone Without a Trace. As a psychologist, I always find books that deal with the character’s mindset effectively to be so compelling, and this is an area Mary really excels in as an author. This book was one I read in two days (which, for someone who works full-time and has a dissertation to write is quite an endorsement). The steady building of suspense in this book had the reader feeling slightly off-kilter along with the protagonist—and that is what made it so hard to put down! I found myself skipping my lunch break to read a bit more, and turning down plans for drinks after work because I just had to know what would happen next!
PLOT
Gemma owns her own real estate business and loves her career. She has a wonderful husband and a beautiful son, but she also has some darkness in her past. Though Gemma loves her husband and they agreed for him to stay home with their young son while she builds her business, she finds herself occasionally resenting the time he gets with their son. But Gemma would never do anything to jeopardize the family she loves so much.
Until one day, Gemma is out with a client for dinner, and the next thing she knows she wakes up alone in her hotel room with no memory of the night and a blistering hangover… Gemma would never cheat on her husband, but she can’t seem to remember the events of the evening. Sure, she used to be a heavy drinker, but that is in her past, isn’t it?
As Gemma tries to shake off the sense of unease she had that fateful night, she begins getting reminders in the mail. First, she receives a receipt from that night. But why would the hotel mail her a copy of her receipt? Then, she gets a photo of her kissing someone who is not her husband in the hotel. As Gemma’s world begins to unravel, and the reminders get increasingly threatening, Gemma wonders if she will ever remember what happened that night, and if she does, will it be too late to save her marriage??
REFLECTION
Wow, I loved this book! Though I loved Mary’s first book, there is never a guarantee that the second one will live up to the first. In fact, often it is hard for an author to write a book that lives up to what was loved about the first book—but Mary Torjussen has done it! This book was very different in terms of the plot and characters from her first book, but the writing elements I loved were still there.
The slow but steady build in suspense was masterful. At the beginning, this could have just been a book about the struggles of work and marriage. And yet, there was always the sense of unease. That sense built throughout the book until the plot burst onto the page. I found myself at about 35% in shock and horror about what was happening. I couldn’t imagine being in Gemma’s spot! What would I do??? And the memory gap was masterful. The notion throughout the book that you can almost grasp the memory, but it escapes you—that is something we can all understand, and it really added to the suspense.
I loved Gemma. She was damaged yet strong. Shockingly strong, in fact. In so many of these psychological thrillers, the protagonist is such a mess, but Gemma was not that way. And for that reason, it was easy to put yourself in her place. To imagine what would happen if you were forced to keep a secret from those you love most, in part because you’re not entirely sure about what the secret is!
I want to thank the author Mary Torjussen for facilitating this Advanced Reader Copy for review. I also want to thank Berkley and NetGalley for allowing me to review this book honestly and fairly. I actually kept my pre-order active because I know I'll want a physical copy of the book to have for use with my reading circles!
It’s taken Gemma Brogan years to establish her real estate business, but she’s doing it one client and one house at a time. Even in a challenging housing market not far from London, Gemma has found her footing. Her husband, Joe, stays at home with their son, Rory, and she works with people she likes and respects.
Gemma reaps the benefits of owning her own business, but she also works the hardest. The long hours often mean she doesn’t see Rory in the morning or get to put him to bed at night. She envies Joe’s relationship with Rory; when the three of them spend time together, Rory looks to Joe first.
She wants things to change, and when a potential client arrives in her office with a healthy housing budget Gemma thinks she’s received a prime opportunity. A big win on a home sale means she can breathe easy. It doesn’t hurt that the new client, David Sanderson, is tall, handsome, funny, and friendly. They spend the day together, and Gemma feels confident he’ll commit to one of the pricey homes they visited.
Not long after, Gemma runs into David during a work trip and the two spend the evening together over dinner and drinks. Years earlier Gemma experienced a horrible attack that convinced her never to drink to excess again, yet over dinner with David she finds herself loosening up in an effort to sway his decision about one of the properties. She drinks more than she meant to, more than she has in years, and the next morning she wakes up feeling awful.
The hangover doesn’t bother her as much as the complete lack of memories from the previous night. She doesn’t remember entering her room or going to bed. She has no clue when she and David bid one another good night, and she can’t shake the sense of dread that something terrible happened.
Then Gemma begins receiving pictures and videos of that night with David, select snapshots and clips that put her in compromising situations. Gemma is horrified and tries to contact David. Her efforts to find him fail, but she makes a connection with someone else from her past. As Gemma works with this new person to figure out what happened, she’ll find herself facing her worst fear and weaknesses.
Author Mary Torjussen comes back with a strong novel after last year’s Gone Without a Trace. In this new book, she lays down the foundation for what seems at first a typical thriller. In fact, some of the story elements do follow the tropes of the genre. Then, halfway through the story, Torjussen takes an unexpected detour.
Readers will love the twists as they come along. Gemma’s greatest ally starts out as her greatest enemy; even as the two form a relationship, readers may doubt with every step that they have actually become friends. It’s a sign of the genre as well as our current times that makes it difficult to believe two people on opposite sides of an issue can come together to fight the greater evil. Torjussen resists all temptation to take the cliché route and gives readers a protagonist they can root for all the way to the end.
Getting to that point takes a little bit of patience, however, because it comes halfway through the book. Gemma spends a reasonable amount of time questioning the reason for the pictures and videos, but she spends a little too much time wondering what to do. When the first major twist happens in the story, the pace picks up.
Once again Torjussen chooses first person point of view for her characters, but she’s improved the balance between internal dialogue and external events. Even as Gemma sits and thinks about how her life could possibly have reached this point, readers will get the sense that something is about to happen and it usually does. Despite her husband and office colleagues coming across as stock characters, Gemma herself is real and well-rounded.
All in all, I think readers will enjoy The Girl I Used to Be and recommend they Bookmark it!
Thanks to Penguin's First to Read program for a copy of this book.
Top reviews from other countries
The majority of the last 48 hours I have spent reading The Closer You Get and The Girl I Used To Be (see my previous review fir my thoughts on The Closer You Get)
The Girl I Used To Be was another book that I was unable to put down and was completely hooked with after the first chapter.
Everyone that was ever a teenager knows how teenage house parties can get and this story starts with one that is absolutely as bad as it can get!
Years later, Gemma is running a successful business and has husband Joe and son Rory at home - her life couldn’t be more different from the girl she was and the trauma of the house party.
Unfortunately for her, when she meets potential client David at work she finds herself lying to her husband and her life starts to unravel.
This is only the second book I have read by this author and I have loved both of them. There is no such thing as a slow burn in either of the two books I have read. For me, they are the perfect books as they gallop along at the pace I love a story to have to keep me interested. I did figure out the twist in this book but that did not detract from my enjoyment of the story at all.
Gone Without a Trace has already been downloaded to my kindle and I can’t wait to get stuck in to book number 3 in the morning.
What Mary does so well with her characters, is that she puts very ordinary people in very frightening but believable scenarios. Her protagonist, Gemma owns an estate agent’s, so she and her colleagues are dealing with members of the public near enough every day. But it dawns on them in this book that they never really know quite who they are dealing with. This is what Gemma finds out when she becomes involved with one particular client who threatens to put her own security in danger. However she soon begins to realise that she really has no idea who she has become involved with and that he might be more dangerous than she previously thought possible.
Gemma was a character who I could root for throughout the book. She is a strong lead, having to run a business and be solely responsible in providing for her family’s income as her husband, Joe doesn’t work. Instead he stays at home to look after their son Rory. I have to admit that this was what I really didn’t like about Joe and I found him a difficult character to get on with. I don’t think he quite comes across as lazy in the book but for now he is very set in his ways and his routine and I did keep thinking to myself, surely Gemma could do better.
Mary’s plot and writing is highly addictive from the first page. I stayed up reading way too late as I waited to find out what was going to happen to Gemma. At the beginning of the novel there is a scene which takes place fifteen years earlier at a party which she attended to celebrate finishing her A-level exams. I was intrigued to learn how this scene was going to become relevant to the plot later on and things do begin to become clearer as Mary delves into the lives of her characters. I was able to guess one of the twists but it didn’t spoil my enjoyment of the story as I was still interested to find out what was going to happen to Gemma and how she was going to deal with the situation.
If you’re a fan of psychological dramas, I highly recommend The Girl I Used To Be. Mary pulls you into the plot and into the lives of her characters and you will want to keep turning the pages to find out what happens to them. I can’t wait to read what she writes next.
I did get pretty irritated by Gemma, our victim, at times. A lot of her issues were down to her own actions. She had everything, really. She was one of these women who wanted a baby and then wanted her career as well, so hubby was a stay-at-home dad. Then she did nothing but bleat about not seeing her son enough. Women's Lib has a lot to answer for, I think.....anyway, she did get my back up a few times. I did get a little tired by how often she was tired as well. The story's a real pageturner, though, trust me, and there are plenty of shockers along the way. So very cleverly done.
There was an oft-repeated error I wondered at. She kept writing "an flat" as opposed to "a flat". Quite surprised that got through any editing process. She's gone with American spelling throughout, too. Just once she added a set of needless speechmarks but again, her presentation is pretty much flawless.
At one point Gemma's advised not to click on a link in an email she received but to type it into the address line herself. I assumed that was a security tip but I've not heard of that before. Perhaps someone reading this review might know ? She also mentioned wakes being held before funerals whereas I always thought they were afterwards.
I laughed aloud at the mention of watercolour paints and also got a kick out of the spa game. I will be looking forward to her next book, although need to resign myself to a long wait now.