Every once in a blue moon, I read a book that leaves a big gaping hole in my heart. There must be a blue moon because my heart is a bleeding mess. Let me fill you in on my first experience reading a book by Jasinda Wilder.
I'm not one who cries easily or shows a great deal of emotion. I'm pretty good at hiding my feelings and holding it all in. There have been a few books that certainly made my tears fall and my nose sniffle. Falling Into You now proudly takes the top spot on my "you made me cry" book list. The dedication alone was a tearjerker:
"This book is for anyone who has ever lost a loved one, for anyone who has woken up crying and gone to bed the same way, for anyone who has had to learn that it's okay to not be okay. Surviving isn't strength, it's continuing to breathe one day at a time; strength is learning to live despite the pain."
You know from the synopsis what's going to happen. You know from page one it's coming.
"I wasn't always in love with Colton Calloway; I was in love with his younger brother, Kyle, first. Kyle was my first one true love, my first in every way.
Then, one stormy August night, he died, and the person I was died with him.
Colton didn't teach me how to live. He didn't heal the pain. He didn't make it okay. He taught me how to hurt, how to not be okay, and, eventually, how to let go."
Best friends and inseparable from birth, Kyle and Nell spent the first 16 years of their lives growing up together. Then suddenly, they see each other in a new and exciting light. So their relationship takes a turn:
"And now we're learning how to fall in love together. I don't care what any one else says. I love you. I'll always love you, no matter what happens with us in the future. I love you now and forever. - Kyle"
And even though that seed has been planted in the back of your mind, you can kind of forget the inevitable for a while. Because it's a beautiful, poignant love story. A story of firsts. First best friend, first true love, first time. Jasinda Wilder's exceptional writing poetically walks you through all those "firsts" and you feel them...potently. It's sweet and beautiful and awkward and scary and lovely. The author's writing is just THAT PHENOMENAL.
It was so easy to fall in love with Kyle and Nell. Their naïveté and innocence was heartwarming.
"Nothing mattered but the delirious joy of Kyle, of my first kiss, of making out with my best friend, the only guy I'd ever really cared about."
But then the inevitable occurs:
"You can't Nell. Just...hold my hand. I love you"
It's painful, heart wrenching, and tragic. It hurt. So very much! As much as it pained me to do so, I had to shut down my Kindle & walk away. My eyes were stinging and dreadfully blurry. I could barely focus on the words. Jasinda tugged on every possible raw, gut wrenching emotion. I was openly grieving for a fictional character.
"I wanted nothing more than to climb into the box with him and quit breathing, find him in whatever came after life."
The emotional intensity didn't end there. It was a constant presence throughout the rest of the book. Nell couldn't move on. She wouldn't let the pain out. Then Colton shows up. And they have a connection.
"... it had felt too right, nestled in his arms. Too comforting. Too natural. Too much like home."
But...Colton is Kyle's older brother who has been estranged from his family for years. Truthfully, I wasn't sure how I would feel about him. I loved Kyle, a lot. But Kyle was gone. He shouldn't have been gone but he was. And Nell really needed to heal. She was in a bad way, doing things that will rip your heart out. I wanted to help her heal. Colton wanted to help her heal. He understood her and wouldn't give up on her. He taught her it was okay to not be okay.
"You can't hold it in forever," Colton said.
"Feel. Grieve. Let yourself feel the anger at the fact that he was taken from you. Feel the loss of him . Feel the sadness and the missing him. Don't block it out, don't cut so it stops, don't drink yourself numb. Just sit and let it all rip you apart. And then get up and keep breathing. One breath at a time. One day at a time. Wake up, and be shredded. Cry for a while. Then stop crying and go about your day. You're not okay but you're alive, and you will be okay, someday"
Every page, every sentence, every second of this story was as painful as an open wound. I was constantly fighting back the tears (with no such luck). I hurt for Nell. I hurt for Kyle. I hurt for Colton. I was shattered. My heart was shredded. But eventually there was hope and healing.
"You don't ever really let go, though. You don't stop. You don't stop hurting, you don't stop loving. It doesn't go away, you just keep living and eventually s*#t gets pushed into the background of your life so it's not consuming you every day. And then one day you know you're okay. It still hurts, you still miss that person. And yeah, you forget the details. The way she smelled, the way her mouth tasted, how her skin felt, the sound of her voice. It's almost like a different life, a different person that loved her, was with her. But on a day-to-day level, you know you're okay. Sort of."
Colton was very different from Kyle. Colton was streetwise, dominating and fierce. And HOT! Tattooed, bad-boy HOT! (Yeah, I had to throw that in there.) There were some crazy steamy scenes between Colton and Nell. (Surprised the hell out of me!) But Colton and Nell really were perfect together. They found in each other a source of comfort and relief, a different kind of love than they previously had with those before them, and most of all they learned how to live again.
"But we have to learn to be free. We have to, Nell. Doesn't mean happy all the time, or okay all the time. It's okay not to be okay. I told you that, but I'm relearning it myself. But not being okay doesn't mean you stop living."
This book blew me away, leaving me with a seriously intense book hangover from which I don't know how to recover. I've lost sleep thinking about Kyle. I need to keep reminding myself that these are book characters. It's the kind of story that's very difficult to let go of and move on. It's one of those books that will stay with me forever. If you like to feel, truly feel what you read, grab a box of tissues and a glass wine, get comfortable and pick up this book. It will be a cathartic experience, which I believe we all need every now and then.
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Top reviews from other countries
Leyendo Forever
A book that captured my attention from page 1
Reviewed in Mexico on February 16, 2022
Paromita Mukherjee
Very very intense and touching
Reviewed in India on January 15, 2018Karen Leslie
Beautiful - I loved and I cried
Reviewed in Australia on August 25, 2022