Yes, I'm four years behind on finding this book, but I'm so glad that I finally caught up!
I don't think this book needs a synopsis at this point - at 780 reviews and counting, it's been done. I'll just cover what I enjoyed about it.
I think what makes Rubin's writing so appealing is that she admits that she isn't perfect; she's not afraid to show her ugly side instead of painting a picture of sunshine and rainbows. I really identified with her when she spoke about wishing she would like something because others did. I have often wished I:
•Was a morning person
•Could be the person who picks out her outfits the night before
•Could be the person who picks out her outfits for the week on Sundays and prepared them
•Wrapped gifts beautifully
•Could drive without ever getting upset with another driver
•Save money
•Enjoyed volunteering
•Cared if my bag matched my shoes
•Enjoyed going to see rock bands
•Enjoyed making my own smoothies everyday
•Enjoyed the raw food diet
But I'm not any of those things. I have accepted that I will likely always be a night person, that I made the right decision to sell my Vitamix (after only using it a handful of times over 2 years), and that I would rather donate money then have to show up at a place at an assigned time to volunteer. This is who I am, and that's okay - the world needs me and the world needs the person who is all of the things I'm not.
Favorite moments from the book:
•What you do every day matters more than what you do once in a while.
•You don't have to be good at everything.
•With extrinsic motivation, people act to win external rewards or avoid external punishments; with intrinsic motivation, people act for their own satisfaction. Studies show that if you reward people for doing an activity, they often stop doing it for fun; being paid turns it into "work."
•The repetitive activity of walking, studies who, triggers the body's relaxation response and so helps reduce stress; at the same time, even a quick ten-minute walk provides an immediate energy boost and improves mood - in fact, exercises is an effective way to snap out of a funk.
•Also, having few clothing choices made me feel happier. Although people believe they like to have lots of choice, in fact, having too many choices can be discouraging. Instead of making people feel more satisfied, a wide range of options can paralyze them.
•I'd been self-righteously telling myself that I did certain chores or made certain efforts "for Jamie" or "for the team." Though this sounded generous, it led to a bad result, because I sulked when Jamie didn't appreciate my efforts. Instead, I started to tell myself, "I'm doing this for myself. This is what I want."
•Perhaps because men have this low standard for what qualifies as intimacy, both men and women find relationships with women to be more enjoyable than those with men. In fact, for both men and women, the most reliable predictor of not being lonely is the amount of contact with women. Time spent with men doesn't make a difference.
•Learning that men and women both turn to women for understanding showed me that Jamie wasn't ignoring me out of lack of interest or affection; he just wasn't good at giving that kind of support.
•I've never forgotten something I read in college, by Pierre Reverdy: "There is no love; there are only proofs of love." Whatever love I might feel in my heart, others will see only my actions.
•"Feeling right" is about living the life that's right for you - in occupation, location, marital status, and so on.
•When thinking about happiness in marriage, you may have an almost irresistible impulse to focus on your spouse, to emphasize how he or she should change in order to boost your happiness. But the fact is, you can't change anyone but yourself.
•"Between the ages of twenty and forty we are engaged in the process of discovering who we are, which involves learning the difference between accidental limitations which it is our duty to outgrow and the necessary limitations of our nature beyond which we cannot trespass with impunity." (Auden)
•Studies show that people tend to persevere longer with problems they've been told are difficult as opposed to easy.
•In fact, researchers reported that out of fifteen daily activities, they found only one during which people were happier alone rather than with other people - and that was praying.
•Studies show that because of this psychological phenomenon, people unintentionally transfer to me the traits I ascribe to other people. So if I tell Jean that Pat is arrogant, unconsciously Jean associates that quality with me...What I say about other people sticks to me - even when I talk to someone who already knows me.
•I'd noticed idly that a lot of people use the term "goal" instead of "resolution," and one day in December, it struck me that the difference was in fact significant. You hit a goal, you keep a resolution.
Needless to say, I identified with a lot of what she wrote. I loved the book. Rubin also has a website where you can download examples of her resolution charts.
Highly recommend.
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Popular Highlights in this book
To be happy, I need to think about feeling good, feeling bad, and feeling right, in an atmosphere of growth.Highlighted by 2,027 Kindle readers- To be happy, I need to think about feeling good, feeling bad, and feeling right.Highlighted by 1,541 Kindle readers
- Experts say that denying bad feelings intensifies them; acknowledging bad feelings allows good feelings to return.Highlighted by 1,488 Kindle readers
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Reviews with images
The sexless happiness project
Gretchen Rubin is rather thorough. She decides to organize her own happiness project. She dives into lots of books on the subjects and decides on things she could do to increase her happiness. Her systematic approach is impressive, every month, for one year, she tries out different things to see what it does to her levels of happiness.She's not miserable when she starts, she's not depressed, she has a law degree, she seems to be very well connected, her husband didn't just leave her for a 20 something hardbody, she is definitely not strapped for cash, doesn't seem to have gone through any severe emotional trauma, did not serve two tours in Iraq, didn't lose a leg or an arm there, she was never gangraped as far as we know, she was never homeless, etc. The worst aspect of her life is that her husband has hepathitis and is almost certain to have a failing liver at some point in his life, but it's all under control so far. In short, you would assume she's already quite happy. She's isn't apparently, and there's no harm in trying to find out how to get more happiness. It's a human drive to always want a little bit more.People sort of attack her for 'indulging' in a first world project such as this. You can guess the arguments: how can you do this when so many children are starving? Her answer is quite good: happy people give more, make other people happy, have more energy to focus on others. She is unperturbed by these critics and sticks to her project.0047774b7c27784f96e318362732b017A good 'trick' she discovers is keeping score of virtues you want to develop or live by. She gets the idea from Benjamin Franklin. You draw up a list of qualities or virtues you want to have and each night you check if you stuck to them. You can see Franklin's virtues in the picture.She also has a list of personal rules she lives by or tries to live by. All things that Gretchen Rubin and I have in common. Even as a child I was sort of obsessed with making a rulebook for myself that would make me feel easier about my life. I never quite got there and I'm still adapating them. Some things have been become written in stone though. Such as the six human needs.The author discovers several things about happiness. Her biggest insights are pointing towards these six human needs as formulated by Tony Robbins, only she never discovers all six.I would say, based on this books and many others, you become happier by growing, learning things (growth) , a certain form of control over your life and daily surroundings (certainty), having a little fun (variety), interacting with people who share your interests (connection), helping others (contribution) and by feeling good about what you do in life (significance). She basically stumbles upon the six human needs, without spelling them out.The book is well-written, though the style is nothing special, it makes for easy reading. Something odd is that she NEVER MENTIONS SEX. Gretchen Rubin is either asexual, which is fine, or a terrible prude, or a marketing genius and sells these books mainly to prude, puritanian America (very likely) or doesn't want to embarass prude family members. At some point in the book she has a project in which she picks up three magazines, blind. To discover new things. When she picks up a porn magazine, she instantly puts it back. She does go home with a magazine about horse breeding. If you're going to pick up three random magazines, don't put the porn mag back. She might have actually discovered something new.I was sort of underwhelmed by the whole book, but I was prepared for her 'goody goody the worst that can happen in my life is that my husband doesn't respond when I'm sharing my day with him attitude'. I've read one of her other books, 'Better than before', but still, amputating the entire aspect of sex in a happiness project is a pretty invasive procedure. I think the majority of people need at least a little sex to feel happier. It's sort of a big deal. Well, perhaps she ranked it with food and breathing air, just basic needs not worth mentioning.All in all it's certainly not a bad book, her systematic approach is energizing, I think you can find quite a bit of inspiration here to launch your own happiness project. It did one thing for me: it stopped making me feel guilty about wanting to be happy even though as we speak there are refugee children drowning off the coasts of Greece and Italy, as if my being sad saves anything or anyone.PS After reading some of the one star reviews I feel stupid for not doing some research on Gretchen Rubin, apparently she's even better connected than I thought and she's not just rich, but fabulously rich... This does put her book into a different perspective. She could have dug much deeper, and she could have talked a little bit more about her need for approval, even though she already has everything. It's still not a bad book, but I doubt she's being entirely honest. The whole thing seems to be very clever marketing by someone who has all the means and did everything to get the attention she so clearly craves. As other reviewers have mentioned: it would be very interesting to know why she is the way she is...
