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The 5 Love Languages of Children: The Secret to Loving Children Effectively Paperback – May 1, 2016
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More than 1 million sold!
You know you love your child. But how can you make sure your child knows it?
The #1 New York Times bestselling The 5 Love Languages® has helped millions of couples learn the secret to building a love that lasts. Now discover how to speak your child’s love language in a way that he or she understands. Dr. Gary Chapman and Dr. Ross Campbell help you:
- Discover your child’s love language
- Assist your child in successful learning
- Use the love languages to correct and discipline more effectively
- Build a foundation of unconditional love for your child
Plus: Find dozens of tips for practical ways to speak your child’s love language.
Discover your child's primary language—then speak it—and you will be well on your way to a stronger relationship with your flourishing child.
For a free online study guide, visit 5lovelanguages.com.
- Print length224 pages
- LanguageEnglish
- PublisherNorthfield Publishing
- Publication dateMay 1, 2016
- Dimensions5.5 x 0.42 x 8.5 inches
- ISBN-100802412858
- ISBN-13978-0802412850
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From the Publisher
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The Five Love Languages Gift Edition was designed with gift givers in mind. If you’ve benefited from the Five Love Languages books and want to pass along the wisdom to newlyweds or couples you know, this beautiful hardcover book with its two-color interior, ornate foil-stamped cover, satin ribbon, and deckled edges makes a perfect high-quality gift for any occasion. |
In this groundbreaking book Paul White and Gary Chapman apply the love language concept to the workplace. Want to know how to connect with coworkers, motivate employees, or express appreciation effectively and appropriately in the workplace? This is the book for you. Includes an MBA Inventory Access Code when you buy it new. |
If you have a teenage family member or friend you want to introduce to The Five Love Languages, this book is the perfect place to start. Written with teens in mind, it breaks down the love language concept and applies it to the life of an average teenager in language they’ll appreciate and enjoy. |
Editorial Reviews
Review
"What Gary Chapman has done for the marriage relationship, he and Ross Campbell have done for the precious relationship that we have with children. I wish every parent, grandparent and educator had The 5 Love Languages of Children (The Secret to Loving Children Effectively) to read. The information is astute and discerning, reminding us that every child is different. I believe one of the reasons this book is so insightful is that the emphasis is on the child and his/her needs. The tips are especially helpful to change the adult’s actions so that the child will feel loved even when disciplined. That is the goal we should all have. It is not about us but about the child.
Thank you Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell for this layman’s book. It is easy to read and immediately put into action.
The publisher through Net Galley provided a copy."
Reviewed by P Susan Wall on NetGalley, May 2, 2016
"This book is absolutely a MUST-HAVE for parents. The version of this book for adults has made a huge impact on my marriage in understanding what individual needs are. And to have this available for our children is a blessing. I have vastly different children who have vastly different love languages and knowing that has helped me connect with them more and be able to meet their needs. I recommend this book to all parents, even those with grown children."
Reviewed by Emilie Ahren on NetGalley, May 18, 2016
"As a child I know I didn't always feel loved but I also didn't know how to express that to the adults around me so my self-esteem and self-image were affected. I want all the children in my life to never doubt they are loved and I really believe that this book has given me the tools to ensure that happens.
I have been a lover of the 5 love languages since I first stumbled upon it and I love that this helps in opening the door when dealing with children. Each child is different so I love the practical and useful ideas not just in loving them and making sure they know that they are loved but for discipline and everyday interactions."
Reviewed by Nekeisha Christopher on NetGalley, Apr 28, 2016
From the Back Cover
You love your child, but does your child feel loved?
Every child has a unique way of feeling loved. When you discover you child’s love language—and how to speak it—you can build a solid foundation for your child to trust you and flourish as they grow.
In this book for parents, teachers, single parents, and more, Drs. Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell offer practical advice for how to:
- Discover and speak your child’s love language – in dozens of ways!
- Use the love languages to help your child learn best
- Discipline and correct more lovingly and effectively
Includes the love languages mystery game for children.
About the Author
Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.
The 5 Love Languages of Children
The Secret to Loving Children Effectively
By Gary D. Chapman, Ross Campbell, Elizabeth Cody NewenhuyseNorthfield Publishing
Copyright © 2016 Gary D. Chapman and Estate of Ross CampbellAll rights reserved.
ISBN: 978-0-8024-1285-0
Contents
Introduction: Speaking Your Child's Love Language, 9,1. Love Is the Foundation, 15,
2. Love Language #1: Physical Touch, 29,
3. Love Language #2: Words of Affirmation, 45,
4. Love Language #3: Quality Time, 61,
5. Love Language #4: Gifts, 77,
6. Love Language #5: Acts of Service, 91,
7. How to Discover Your Child's Primary Love Language, 109,
8. Discipline and the Love Languages, 125,
9. Learning and the Love Languages, 145,
10. Anger and Love, 159,
11. Speaking the Love Languages in Single-Parent Families, 177,
12. Speaking the Love Languages in Marriage, 191,
Epilogue: What Might Be Is Still Ahead, 207,
Notes, 213,
More Help for Parents, 215,
The Love Languages Mystery Game, 217,
CHAPTER 1
Love Is the Foundation
* * *
Brad and Emily couldn't figure out what was wrong with Caleb, their eight-year-old son. He had been an above-average learner and still did his homework, but this year he was struggling in school. He would go to the teacher after she had given an exercise and ask her to explain it again. He'd visit her desk up to eight times a day, asking for further instructions. Was it poor hearing or a comprehension problem? Brad and Emily had Caleb's hearing tested, and a school counselor gave him a comprehension test. His hearing was normal and his understanding typical for a third-grader.
Other things about their son puzzled them. At times, Caleb's behavior seemed almost antisocial. The teacher would take turns eating with her third-grade students during lunch, but Caleb would sometimes push other children aside so he could be near her. During recess, he would leave other children whenever the teacher appeared on the playground, running to her to ask an insignificant question and escape the others. If the teacher participated in a game during recess, Caleb would try to hold the teacher's hand during the game.
His parents had met with the teacher three times already, and neither they nor the teacher could find the problem. Independent and happy in grades one and two, Caleb now seemed to show "clinging behavior" that made no sense. He also was fighting much more with his older sister, Hannah, although Emily and Brad assumed that was just a stage he was passing through.
When this couple came to my "The Marriage You've Always Wanted" seminar and told me about Caleb, they were worried, wondering if they had a budding rebel on their hands, or maybe a kid with psychological problems. "Dr. Chapman, we know this is a marriage seminar and maybe our question is out of place," Emily said, "but Brad and I thought that perhaps you could give us some guidance." Then she described her son's worrisome behavior.
I asked these parents whether their own lifestyle had changed this year. Brad said he was a salesman, out on calls two nights a week, but home between 6:00 and 7:30 p.m. on the other weeknights. Those nights were spent catching up on emails and texts and watching a little TV. On weekends, he used to go to football games, often taking Caleb. But he hadn't done that in a year. "It's just too much of a hassle. I'd rather watch the games on TV."
"How about you, Emily?" I asked. "Have there been any changes in your lifestyle over the last few months?"
"Definitely," she said. "I've been working part-time at the college for the last three years since Caleb entered kindergarten. But this year I took a full-time job there, so I get home later than usual. Actually my mom picks him up at school, and Caleb stays with her for about an hour and a half until I pick him up. On the evenings that Brad is out of town, Caleb and I usually have dinner with my folks and then come home."
It was almost time for the seminar session to begin, yet I sensed I was beginning to understand what was going on inside of Caleb. So I made a suggestion. "I'm going to be talking about marriage, but I want each of you to be thinking about how the principles I am sharing might apply to your relationship with Caleb. At the end of the seminar, I'd like to know what conclusions you have drawn." They seemed a little surprised that I was ending our conversation without making any suggestions, but they both were willing to go along with my request.
At the end of the day, as other participants at our seminar were filing out, Brad and Emily hurried up to me with that look of fresh discovery. "Dr. Chapman, I think we have just gained some insight into what's going on with Caleb," Emily said. "When you were discussing the five love languages, we both agreed that Caleb's primary love language is quality time. Looking back over the last four or five months, we realized that we have given him less quality time than we had before.
"When I was working part-time, I'd pick him up from school every day, and we would usually do something together on the way home, maybe run an errand or stop by the park or get ice cream together. When we got home, Caleb would play games on his tablet for a while. Then after dinner, I would often help him with his homework or we'd watch something on Netflix, especially on the nights Brad was away. All that has changed since I started my new job, and I realize I'm spending less time with Caleb."
I glanced at Brad, and he said, "For my part, I realize I used to take Caleb with me to football games, but since I stopped going, I haven't replaced that father-son time with anything. He and I haven't really spent a great deal of time together the last few months. I need to think about ways I can check in with him when I'm traveling, too."
"I think you may have discovered some real insight into Caleb's emotional need," I told them. "If you can meet his need for love, I think there is a good chance you will see a change in his behavior." I suggested some key ways to express love through quality time and challenged Brad to build time with Caleb into his schedule, even "long-distance" time. I encouraged Emily to look for ways she and Caleb could once more do some of the things they did before she started her full-time job. They both seemed eager to translate their insight into action.
"There may be other factors involved," I said, "but if you will give your son large doses of quality time and then sprinkle in the other four love languages, I think you will see a radical change in his behavior."
We said goodbye. I never heard from Emily and Brad, and to be honest, I forgot about them. But about two years later I returned to Wisconsin for another seminar, and they walked in and reminded me of our conversation. They were all smiles; we hugged each other, and they introduced me to friends they had invited to the seminar.
"Tell me about Caleb," I said.
They both smiled and said, "He's doing great. We meant to write you many times but never got around to it. We went home and did what you suggested. We consciously gave Caleb lots of quality time over the next few months. Within two or three weeks, really, we saw a dramatic change in his behavior at school. In fact, the teacher asked us to come in again, and we were worried. But this time, she wanted to ask what we had done that had brought about such a change in Caleb."
The teacher told them that Caleb's inappropriate behavior had stopped: no more pushing other children away from her in the lunch-room; no more coming to her desk to ask question after question. Then Emily explained that her husband and she had begun to speak Caleb's "love language" after attending a seminar. "We told her how we had started giving him overdoses of quality time," said Emily.
This couple had learned to speak their son's love language, to say, "I love you" in a way that Caleb could understand. His story encouraged me to write this book.
Speaking your child's primary love language does not mean he or she will not rebel later. It does mean your child will know you love him, and that can bring him security and hope; it can help you to rear your child to responsible adulthood. Love is the foundation.
In raising children, everything depends on the love relationship between the parent and child. Nothing works well if a child's love needs are not met. Only the child who feels genuinely loved and cared for can do her best. You may truly love your child, but unless she feels it — unless you speak the love language that communicates to her your love — she will not feel loved.
FILLING THE EMOTIONAL TANK
By speaking your child's own love language, you can fill his "emotional tank" with love. When your child feels loved, he is much easier to discipline and train than when his "emotional tank" is running near empty.
Every child has an emotional tank, a place of emotional strength that can fuel him through the challenging days of childhood and adolescence. Just as cars are powered by reserves in the gas tank, our children are fueled from their emotional tanks. We must fill our children's emotional tanks for them to operate as they should and reach their potential.
But with what do we fill these tanks? Love, of course, but love of a particular kind that will enable our children to grow and function properly.
We need to fill our children's emotional tanks with unconditional love, because real love is always unconditional. Unconditional love is a full love that accepts and affirms a child for who he is, not for what he does. No matter what he does (or does not do), the parent still loves him. Sadly, some parents display a love that is conditional; it depends on something other than their children just being. Conditional love is based on performance and is often associated with training techniques that offer gifts, rewards, and privileges to children who behave or perform in desired ways.
Of course, it is necessary to train and discipline our children — but only after their emotional tanks have been filled (and refilled — they can deplete regularly). Only unconditional love can prevent problems such as resentment, feelings of being unloved, guilt, fear, and insecurity. Only as we give our children unconditional love will we be able to deeply understand them and deal with their behaviors, whether good or bad.
Ana remembers growing up in a home of modest financial resources. Her father was employed at a plant nearby and her mother was a homemaker, except for occasionally working at Target. Both parents were hardworking people who took pride in their house and family. Ana helped her mom cook the evening meal, and later she, her dad, and brothers would pitch in on cleanup and then watch some TV. Saturday was a day for weekly chores and the occasional youth soccer game, and Saturday nights they sent out for pizza. On Sunday mornings, the family went to church and that evening they would spend time with relatives.
When Ana and her brothers were younger, their parents would listen to them practice their reading almost every night. They always encouraged them in their studies because they wanted all three children to attend college, even though they did not have this opportunity themselves.
In middle school, Ana spent a lot of time with Sophia. The two had most classes together, often shared lunch, texted one another. But the girls didn't visit each other at home. If they had, they would have seen vast differences. Sophia's father was a successful executive who was away from home most of the time. Sophia's mother was a doctor with a busy practice. An older sister was out of college and living out of state. The family did take vacations to places like London and LA, which Sophia loved. Her mother did her best to make time for her younger daughter and understood the dangers of lavishing her with things rather than simple attention....
The girls were good friends until the ninth grade, when Sophia went off to a college-prep school near her grandparents. The first year, the girls kept in touch on social media; after that, Sophia began dating and communicated less. Ana got busy with her studies and other friendships. After Sophia's family moved away, Ana never heard from her again.
If she had, she would have been sad to know that after marrying and having one child, Sophia struggled with alcoholism and the breakup of her marriage. In contrast, Ana was in grad school studying advanced biology.
What made the difference in the outcome of two childhood friends? Although there is no one answer, we can see part of the reason in what Sophia once told her therapist: "I never felt loved by my parents. I first got involved in drinking because I wanted my friends to like me." In saying this, she wasn't trying to lay blame on her parents as much as she was trying to understand herself.
Did you notice what Sophia said? It wasn't that her parents didn't love her but that she did not feel loved. Most parents love their children and also want their children to feel loved, but few know how to adequately convey that feeling. It is only as they learn how to love unconditionally that they will let their children know how much they are truly loved.
A WORD OF HOPE
Raising emotionally healthy children is an increasingly difficult task these days. The influence of media (including our ever-present screens), the rise in psychological issues like narcissism, the violence and hopelessness that plague some communities, the decline in the influence of the church, even simple middle-class busyness — these things challenge families daily.
It is into such reality that we speak a word of hope to parents. We want you to enjoy a loving relationship with your children. Our focus in this book is on one exceedingly important aspect of parenting — meeting your children's need for love. We have written this book to help you give your children a greater experience of the love you have for them. This will happen as you speak the love languages they understand and can respond to. Every child has a special way of perceiving love. There are five ways children (indeed, all people) speak and understand emotional love. They are physical touch, words of affirmation, quality time, gifts, and acts of service. If you have several children in your family, chances are they speak different languages, for just as children often have different personalities, they may hear in different love languages. Typically, two children need to be loved in different ways.
Whatever love language your child understands best, he needs it expressed in one way — unconditionally. Unconditional love is a guiding light, illuminating the darkness and enabling us as parents to know where we are and what we need to do as we raise our child. Without this kind of love, parenting is bewildering and confusing.
We can best define unconditional love by showing what it does. Unconditional love shows love to a child no matter what. We love regardless of what the child looks like; regardless of her assets, liabilities, or handicaps; regardless of what we expect her to be; and, most difficult of all, regardless of how she acts. This does not mean that we like all of her behavior. It does mean that we give and show love to our child all the time, even when her behavior is poor.
Does this sound like permissiveness? It is not. Rather, it is doing first things first. A child with a full love tank can respond to parental guidance without resentment.
Some people fear that this may lead to "spoiling" a child, but that is a misconception. No child can receive too much appropriate unconditional love. A child may be "spoiled" by a lack of training or by inappropriate love that gives or trains incorrectly. True unconditional love will never spoil a child because it is impossible for parents to give too much of it.
If you have not loved your children in this way, you may find it difficult at first. But as you practice unconditional love, you will find it has a wonderful effect, as you become a more giving and loving person in all your relationships. No one is perfect, of course, and you cannot expect yourself to love unconditionally all of the time. But as you move toward that goal, you will find that you are more consistent in your ability to love, no matter what.
You may find it helpful to frequently remind yourself of some rather obvious things about your children:
1 They are children.
2 They will tend to act like children.
3 Much childish behavior is unpleasant.
4 If I do my part as a parent and love them, despite their childish behavior, they will mature and give up their childish ways.
5 If I love them only when they please me (conditional love), and if I express my love to them only at those times, they will not feel genuinely loved. This will damage their self-image, make them feel insecure, and actually prevent them from moving into better self-control and more mature behavior. Therefore, their development and behavior is as much my responsibility as it is theirs.
(Continues...)Excerpted from The 5 Love Languages of Children by Gary D. Chapman, Ross Campbell, Elizabeth Cody Newenhuyse. Copyright © 2016 Gary D. Chapman and Estate of Ross Campbell. Excerpted by permission of Northfield Publishing.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.
Product details
- Publisher : Northfield Publishing; Reissue edition (May 1, 2016)
- Language : English
- Paperback : 224 pages
- ISBN-10 : 0802412858
- ISBN-13 : 978-0802412850
- Item Weight : 2.31 pounds
- Dimensions : 5.5 x 0.42 x 8.5 inches
- Best Sellers Rank: #2,660 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
- #2 in School-Age Children Parenting
- #96 in Education & Teaching (Books)
- #193 in Reference (Books)
- Customer Reviews:
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About the authors
Discover more of the author’s books, see similar authors, read author blogs and more
Gary Chapman—author, speaker, and counselor—has a passion for people and for helping them form lasting relationships. He is the bestselling author of The 5 Love Languages® series and the director of Marriage and Family Life Consultants, Inc. Gary Travels the world presenting seminars, and his radio programs air on more than 400 stations.
For more information, visit 5lovelanguages.com or connect with Gary on his social platforms:
Twitter @DrGaryChapman
Facebook /5lovelanguages
Instagram /5lovelanguages
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If you haven't ready the first book that was intended for married couples (or non married couples in a serious relationship) you can still read this book no problem. This was written as a standalone book that does not require the reading of the authors first book.
Kids are easy to love, and of course sometimes not so easy but we care for them just the same. It is easy for us to see when they care about us because they are so basic in the way they show affection. As they get older into adolescence this changes a bit as they get more complicated. My children are 4 months, 2 years, and 3.5 years old. Even though this book will be more helpful with children ages 8-18, I am already using the concepts of this book with my 2 and 3.5 year old and seeing results. This book will show you how to let your children know you care about them. My 3.5 year old just needs hugs but my 2 year old needs time spent with him. When I started doing this his typical 2 year old "touch everything I shouldn't" actions went away. It was a moment to cherish when we could leave the remote controls for the TV out on the end table again. When my 2 year old started getting the love he wanted he stopped acting out and this book showed me in an easy to understand way how to see what my child wanted and give it to him. Now did I ignore my child before? No Way. When I get home all the kids go crazy and jump on me and we wrestle and tickle. My 3.5 year old tells me about preschool and my boy shows me his toys (the same ones as the day before). We all eat dinner together followed shortly after by taking baths or showers. Then we have nights with no TV where my wife and I will read them books or they will play and sometimes we let them watch a show or two. Its not like we are bad parents at all and this book isn't aimed at making bad parents better. This book will show you, whatever type of parent you are, how to show your children you care for them so they see it. When your children feel more loved by you they will be more confident, act out less, and be able to show you better how they care for you. Its a win win with no real extra effort needed other than what you are currently putting out. You just might need to redirect some of your effort. This book is a short easy read and I recommend it to any parent.
I was expecting the same sort of flatness from this book. I found a lot to apply in the original Love Languages book, and I'm still sneaking it into my marriage. It's one thing to tell your Quality-Time husband that you are a TOUCH wife, and a whole different thing to gently convince him to touch touch touch touch touch touch. It has brought me to a whole new level of positive reinforcement.
So I figured this one for kids would be a couple of hundred pages of telling parents that kids need *every* love language. And indeed, there was some of that.
But the book was full of clues for how to recognize your child's love language, how it may change over time, and how to communicate.
The book offered a lot. I thought the chapters on conflict were very worthwhile, and even on how to discipline in the different love languages. My kids are so different that I needed all the pointers I could get. And surprise -- thinking about love languages across generations has helped me communicate better with my parents, too -- off to a good start, anyway.
I read this 6 months ago. My eldest started talking more, to me and to other people, NOTICEABLY more, and it's bringing me some relief from one of my biggest parenting worries -- how remote this child has been. That has been the biggest and most immediate change in our family recently, and I can trace it to this book.
I would recommend you read the first Love Languages book first, and then this one to think specifically about your kids.
Oh, and for moms, definitely read A Woman After God's Own Heart by Elizabeth George. It's family-enhancing.