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HONEST REVIEW - The Gifts of Imperfection Brenee BrownKim @ Design Her Travel

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The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are Paperback – August 27, 2010

by Brené Brown (Author)

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Each day we face a barrage of images and messages from society and the media telling us who, what, and how we should be. We are led to believe that if we could only look perfect and lead perfect lives, we'd no longer feel inadequate. So most of us perform, please, and perfect, all the while thinking, What if I can't keep all of these balls in the air? Why isn't everyone else working harder and living up to my expectations? What will people think if I fail or give up? When can I stop proving myself?

In The Gifts of Imperfection, Brené Brown, PhD, a leading expert on shame, authenticity and belonging, shares what she's learned from a decade of research on the power of Wholehearted Living--a way of engaging with the world from a place of worthiness.

In her ten guideposts, Brown engages our minds, hearts, and spirits as she explores how we can cultivate the courage, compassion, and connection to wake up in the morning and think, No matter what gets done and how much is left undone, I am enough, and to go to bed at night thinking, Yes, I am sometimes afraid, but I am also brave. And, yes, I am imperfect and vulnerable, but that doesn't change the truth that I am worthy of love and belonging.

Print length

160 pages
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English
Publisher

Hazelden
Publication date

August 27, 2010
Dimensions

6 x 0.5 x 9 inches
ISBN-10

9781592858491
ISBN-13

978-1592858491
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Popular Highlights in this book

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Authenticity is the daily practice of letting go of who we think we’re supposed to be and embracing who we are.
Highlighted by 40,705 Kindle readers
If we want to fully experience love and belonging, we must believe that we are worthy of love and belonging.
Highlighted by 36,611 Kindle readers
Shame needs three things to grow out of control in our lives: secrecy, silence, and judgment.
Highlighted by 30,620 Kindle readers

From the Publisher

Named one of the "five books that will actually change your outlook on life" by Forbes.

Editorial Reviews

About the Author

Dr. Brené Brown is a research professor at the University of Houston, where she holds the Huffington Foundation Endowed Chair at the Graduate College of Social Work. She also holds the position of visiting professor in management at the University of Texas at Austin McCombs School of Business.

Brené has spent the past two decades studying courage, vulnerability, shame, and empathy. She is the author of six #1 New York Times best sellers and is the host of two award-winning podcasts, Unlocking Us and Dare to Lead.

Brené’s books have been translated into more than 30 languages, and her titles include Atlas of the Heart, Dare to Lead, Braving the Wilderness, Rising Strong, Daring Greatly, and The Gifts of Imperfection. With Tarana Burke, she co-edited the best-selling anthology You Are Your Best Thing: Vulnerability, Shame Resilience, and the Black Experience.

Brené’s TED talk on the Power of Vulnerability is one of the top five most-viewed TED talks in the world, with over 60 million views. Brené is the first researcher to have a filmed lecture on Netflix, and in March 2022, she launched a new show on HBO Max that focuses on her latest book, Atlas of the Heart.

Brené spends most of her time working in organizations around the world, helping develop braver leaders and more-courageous cultures.

She lives in Houston, Texas, with her husband, Steve. They have two children, Ellen and Charlie, and a weird Bichon named Lucy.

Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.

Preface

Once you see a pattern, you can’t un-see it. Trust me, I’ve tried. But when the same truth keeps repeating itself, it’s hard to pretend that it’s just a coincidence. For example, no matter how hard I try to convince myself that I can function on six hours of sleep, anything less than eight hours leaves me impatient, anxious, and foraging for carbohydrates. It’s a pattern.I also have a terrible procrastination pattern: I always put off writing by reorganizing my entire house and spending way too much time and money buying office supplies and organizing systems. Every single time.

One reason it’s impossible to un-see trends is that our minds are engineered to seek out patterns and to assign meaning to them. Humans are a meaning-making species. And, for better or worse, my mind is actually fine-tuned to do this. I spent years training for it, and now it’s how I make my living.

As a researcher, I observe human behavior so I can identify and name the subtle connections, relationships, and patterns that help us make meaning of our thoughts, behaviors, and feelings. I love what I do. Pattern hunting is wonderful work and, in fact, throughout my career, my attempts at un-seeing were strictly reserved for my personal life and those humbling vulnerabilities that I loved to deny. That all changed in November 2006, when the research that fills these pages smacked me upside the head. For the first time in my career, I was desperate to un-see my own research.

Up until that point, I had dedicated my career to studying difficult emotions like shame, fear, and vulnerability. I had written academic pieces on shame, developed a shame-resilience curriculum for mental health and addictions professionals, and written a book about shame resilience called I Thought It Was Just Me.

In the process of collecting thousands of stories from diverse men and women who lived all over the country--ranging in age from eighteen to eighty-seven--I saw new patterns that I wanted to know more about. Yes, we all struggle with shame and the fear of not being enough. And, yes, many of us are afraid to let our true selves be seen and known. But in this huge mound of data there was also story after story of men and women who were living these amazing and inspiring lives.

I heard stories about the power of embracing imperfection and vulnerability. I learned about the inextricable connection between joy and gratitude, and how things that I take for granted, like rest and play, are as vital to our health as nutrition and exercise. These research participants trusted themselves, and they talked about authenticity and love and belonging in a way that was completely new to me.

I wanted to look at these stories as a whole, so I grabbed a file and a Sharpie and wrote the first word that came to my mind on the tab: Wholehearted. I wasn’t sure what it meant yet, but I knew that these stories were about people living and loving with their whole hearts. I had a lot of questions about Wholeheartedness. What did these folks value? How did they create all of this resilience in their lives? What were their main concerns and how did they resolve or address them? Can anyone create a Wholehearted life? What does it take to cultivate what we need? What gets in the way?

As I started analyzing the stories and looking for re-occurring themes, I realized that the patterns generally fell into one of two columns; for simplicity sake, I first labeled these Do and Don’t. The Do column was brimming with words like worthiness, rest, play, trust, faith, intuition, hope, authenticity, love, belonging, joy, gratitude, and creativity. The Don’t column was dripping with words like perfection, numbing, certainty, exhaustion, self-sufficiency, being cool, fitting in, judgment, and scarcity.

I gasped the first time I stepped back from the poster paper and took it all in. It was the worst kind of sticker shock. I remember mumbling, No. No. No. How can this be?”

Even though I wrote the lists, I was shocked to read them. When I code data, I go into deep researcher mode. My only focus is on accurately capturing what I heard in the stories. I don’t think about how I would say something, only how the research participants said it. I don’t think about what an experience would mean to me, only what it meant to the person who told me about it.

I sat in the red chair at my breakfast room table and stared at these two lists for a very long time. My eyes wandered up and down and across. I remember at one point I was actually sitting there with tears in my eyes and with my hand across my mouth, like someone had just delivered bad news.

And, in fact, it was bad news. I thought I’d find that Wholehearted people were just like me and doing all of the same things I was doing: working hard, following the rules, doing it until I got it right, always trying to know myself better, raising my kids exactly by the books...After studying tough topics like shame for a decade, I truly believed that I deserved confirmation that I was living right.” But here’s the tough lesson that I learned that day (and every day since):

How much we know and understand ourselves is critically important, but there is something that is even more essential to living a Wholehearted life: loving ourselves.

Knowledge is important, but only if we’re being kind and gentle with ourselves as we work to discover who we are. Wholeheartedness is as much about embracing our tenderness and vulnerability as it is about developing knowledge and claiming power.

And perhaps the most painful lesson of that day hit me so hard that it took my breath away: It was clear from the data that we cannot give our children what we don’t have. Where we are on our journey of living and loving with our whole hearts is a much stronger indicator of parenting success than anything we can learn from how-to books.

This journey is equal parts heart work and head work, and as I sat there on that dreary November day, it was clear to me that I was lacking in my own heart work.

I finally stood up, grabbed my marker off the table, drew a line under the Don’t list, and then wrote the word me under the line. My struggles seemed to be perfectly characterized by the sum total of the list. I folded my arms tightly across my chest, sunk deep down into my chair, and thought, This is just great. I’m living straight down the shit list.

I walked around the house for about twenty minutes trying to un-see and undo everything that had just unfolded, but I couldn’t make the words go away. I couldn’t go back, so I did the next best thing: I folded all of the poster sheets into neat squares and tucked them into a Rubbermaid tub that fit nicely under my bed, next to my Christmas wrap. I wouldn’t open that tub again until March of 2008.

Next, I got myself a really good therapist and began a year of serious soul work that would forever change my life. Diana, my therapist, and I still laugh about my first visit. Diana, who is a therapist to many therapists, started with the requisite, So what’s going on?” I pulled out the Do list and matter-of-factly said, I need more of the things on this list. Some specific tips and tools would be helpful. Nothing deep. No childhood crap or anything.”

It was a long year. I lovingly refer to it on my blog as the 2007 [Breakdown] Spiritual Awakening. It felt like a textbook breakdown to me, but Diana called it a spiritual awakening. I think we were both right. In fact, I’m starting to question if you can have one without the other. Of course, it’s not a coincidence that this unraveling happened in November 2006. The stars were perfectly aligned for a breakdown: I was raw from being newly sugar and flour free, I was days away from my birthday (always a contemplative time for me), I was burned out from work, and I was right on the cusp of my midlife unraveling.

People may call what happens at midlife a crisis,” but it’s not. It’s an unraveling--a time when you feel a desperate pull to live the life you want to live, not the one you’re supposed” to live. The unraveling is a time when you are challenged by the universe to let go of who you think you are supposed to be and to embrace who you are.

Midlife is certainly one of the great unraveling journeys, but there are others that happen to us over the course of our lives:

marriage
divorce
becoming a parent
recovery
moving
an empty nest
retiring
experiencing loss or trauma
working in a soul-sucking jobThe universe is not short on wake-up calls. We’re just quick to hit the snooze button.

As it turned out, the work I had to do was messy and deep. I slogged through it until one day, exhausted and with mud still wet and dripping off of my traveling shoes, I realized, Oh, my God. I feel different. I feel joyful and real. I’m still afraid, but I also feel really brave. Something has changed--I can feel it in my bones.”

I was healthier, more joyful, and more grateful than I had ever felt. I felt calmer and grounded, and significantly less anxious. I had rekindled my creative life, reconnected with my family and friends in a new way, and most important, felt truly comfortable in my own skin for the first time in my life.

I learned how to worry more about how I felt and less about what people might think.” I was setting new boundaries and began to let go of my need to please, perform, and perfect. I started saying no rather than sure (and being resentful and pissed off later). I began to say Oh, hell yes!” rather than Sounds fun, but I have lots of work to do” or I’ll do that when I’m _________ (thinner, less busy, better prepared).”

As I worked through my own Wholehearted journey with Diana, I read close to forty books, including every spiritual awakening memoir I could get my hands on. They were incredibly helpful guides, but I still craved a guidebook that could offer inspiration, resources, and basically serve as a soul traveler’s companion of sorts.

One day, as I stared at the tall pile of books precariously stacked on my nightstand, it hit me! I want to tell this story in a memoir. I’ll tell the story of how a cynical, smart-ass academic became every bit of the stereotype that she spent her entire adult life ridiculing. I’ll fess up about how I became the middle-aged, recovering, health-conscious, creative, touchy-feely spirituality-seeker who spends days contemplating things like grace, love, gratitude, creativity, authenticity, and is happier than I imagined possible. I’ll call it Wholehearted.

I also remember thinking, Before I write the memoir, I need to use this research to write a guidebook on Wholehearted living! By mid-2008, I had filled three huge tubs with notebooks, journals, and mounds of data. I had also done countless hours of new research. I had everything I needed, including a passionate desire to write the book that you’re holding in your hands.

On that fateful November day when the list appeared and I sunk into the realization that I wasn’t living and loving with my whole heart, I wasn’t totally convinced. Seeing the list wasn’t enough to fully believe in it. I had to dig very deep and make the conscious choice to believe...to believe in myself and the possibility of living a different life. A lot of questioning, countless tears, and a huge collection of joyful moments later, believing has helped me see.

Product details

ASIN ‏ : ‎ 159285849X
Publisher ‏ : ‎ Hazelden; 1st edition (August 27, 2010)
Language ‏ : ‎ English
Paperback ‏ : ‎ 160 pages
ISBN-10 ‏ : ‎ 9781592858491
ISBN-13 ‏ : ‎ 978-1592858491
Item Weight ‏ : ‎ 7.2 ounces
Dimensions ‏ : ‎ 6 x 0.5 x 9 inches

Best Sellers Rank: #24,774 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
- #202 in Self-Esteem (Books)
- #694 in Motivational Self-Help (Books)
- #758 in Personal Transformation Self-Help

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4.7 41,594 ratings

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Brené Brown

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Dr. Brené Brown is a research professor at the University of Houston, where she holds the Huffington Foundation Endowed Chair at the Graduate College of Social Work. She also holds the position of visiting professor in management at the University of Texas at Austin McCombs School of Business.

Brené has spent the past two decades studying courage, vulnerability, shame, and empathy. She is the author of six #1 New York Times best sellers and is the host of two award-winning Spotify podcasts, Unlocking Us and Dare to Lead.

Brené’s books have been translated into more than 30 languages, and her titles include Atlas of the Heart, Dare to Lead, Braving the Wilderness, Rising Strong, Daring Greatly, and The Gifts of Imperfection. With Tarana Burke, she co-edited the best-selling anthology You Are Your Best Thing: Vulnerability, Shame Resilience, and the Black Experience.

Brené’s TED talk on the Power of Vulnerability is one of the top five most-viewed TED talks in the world, with over 50 million views. Brené is the first researcher to have a filmed lecture on Netflix, and in March 2022, she launched a new show on HBO Max that focuses on her latest book, Atlas of the Heart.

Brené spends most of her time working in organizations around the world, helping develop braver leaders and more-courageous cultures. She lives in Houston, Texas, with her husband, Steve. They have two children, Ellen and Charlie, and a weird Bichon named Lucy.

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Lisa Bourbonnais

The Best of Self-Improvement Literature!

Reviewed in the United States on July 12, 2015

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The Gifts of Imperfection is a well written, thoroughly researched, compassionate must read book from the perspective of a seasoned and trustworthy professional, which contains a plethora of concrete information about how to live more genuinely and capably in the face of fear and self-doubt.Brene’ Brown writes her guide to achieving self-acceptance, self-esteem and well-rounded living, by focusing on her years of research on shame, fear, and vulnerability, providing the reader with specific ways people think and act that either challenge or welcome the topics. She highlights both hindrances and aids to living fully in ten guideposts or chapters, in which she explains ways people can use the information she’s learned from her research to let go of negative thoughts and emotions and let in the things that provide joy and contentment. The author’s ability to communicate, her status as an empathetic peer, and knowledge as a practiced researcher and social worker, shine through her writing, expertly bringing together her writing style and the useful information she imparts.

Brown writes intelligently and from the heart about the findings of her decade long research, providing personal anecdotes to frame the information, which humanizes her ideas, making the research less scientific and more relatable and applicable for the reader. The author tells the story of her own journey of curiosity, exploration, and growth which develops alongside her shame research. Brown tells about using her data to assemble a “do” and “don’t” list for feeding shame, fear, and vulnerability, and realizing, “This is just great, I’m living straight down the s*** list.” (xii) When she admits that this led to her “2007 Breakdown Spiritual Awakening,” the reader feels comforted and less overwhelmed by learning he or she is living similarly. By telling her own story and those of family, friends, and contributors to her blog, Brown powerfully and positively influences the reader’s experience of reading, processing, and retaining essential concepts.

This book provides its reader with a wealth of helpful and applicable information to be used now and in the future, not only planting the seeds for thinking about changing perspectives on shame, but providing the building blocks for developing new ways of thinking, acting, and living. Brown doesn’t simply suggest that a reader combat shame, for example, she tells how the people in her research live successful, complete lives in the face of it: with courage, compassion, and connection. In this example, one of many in the book where she shows not tells the reader how to enact change, there are clear definitions of the three C’s. The reader learns about living courageously and compassionately by the research Brown cites and examples she gives from people’s personal experiences. Brown efficiently communicates using similar methods for teaching the reader her other topics, which range from cultivating a resilient spirit, cultivating creativity, to cultivating meaningful work. The reader finishes the book both satisfied with the results and ready to read it again, knowing new ideas will be available each time through.

The winning combination of Brown’s personality, expertise and wisdom is irresistible and not to be missed. Both her personal and work experiences stand alone as readable material, but together they are entertaining and therapeutic. Any person looking to make his or her life better should look no further than The Gifts of Imperfection, as Brown has discovered in her research an area of sociology from which we can all benefit in a myriad of ways.

4 people found this helpful

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MJ

not for everyone; BUT PERFECT FOR ME!

Reviewed in the United States on May 28, 2020

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While on my journey to spiritual awakening and self care- I came across this book through a coworker. She shares sections of it in our weekly meetings (we work in Health Care, so there's a lot of heaviness around the work our team does)... The first time she shared a section from this book, I knew I had to buy it! It was like she knew what was going on in my chaotic mind and was speaking directly to me...

Not only has this book helped me learn to sit still and focus on something other than my phone (I've never come across a book that I can sit and read for hours without realizing it) but it's helped me really learn to accept and love myself... I kid you not every time I finish reading a few chapters, I feel a sense of empowerment (in a I have control over my emotions kind of way) and it gives me so much hope for the future and the woman I'm becoming.

Dr. Brene Brown is such an amazing woman!

She's teaching me so much about courage, vulnerability, dealing with shame, not being so hard on myself, learning to be unapologetically my authentic self- not who I think the world expects me to be & most important of all... I AM ONLY HUMAN... The list can go on and on, this is what I can think of off the top of my head.

After losing my sister to suicide, I’ve dealt with anxiety & depression.. sometimes to an extreme where I’d shut down from the world and not talk to anyone for days, sometimes weeks or not leave the house forcing me to call in to work cause what was going on in my mind was so extreme I’d become physically sick.. This book, among many others of Dr. Brown helps me through those times in a healthy way without ever feeling the need to "take the edge off" in unhealthy ways (drinking, smoking, etc..). It’s been almost a year that I’ve been introduced to Brene Brown’s work & I haven’t been the same since.. I’ve learned to feel through my thoughts and emotions. It has NOT been an easy road, I’ve been doing my part to focus on my self care and not solely relying on anyone or anything to “fix all my problems for me”… So please don’t take this review as an expectation for this book to fix it all, YOU HAVE TO DO YOUR PART..

I'm constantly learning more about myself and who I want to be... Brene has unknowingly become a mentor to me through her books/ Audio Books/ Ted Talk Videos/ YouTube Videos - she has opened my eyes in ways I've never imagined. I've always known how to treat others and that being kind is always a MUST…… BUT I never knew how to show myself the same compassion and love until I came across this amazing woman! I love that she shares her own struggles and gives examples of situations and how they made her feel... My friend bought this book after I couldn’t stop raving about it and we started reading it out loud together... I can't count how many times we’ve stopped reading and said out loud, "WOW, we're not the only ones who are hard on ourselves like this.. it's not just us!! We have to keep reading to see how she prospers from these horrible situations that would break most people!" And there’s other times when we stop to talk about certain parts we feel are speaking directly to us and what comes to mind.. they haven’t been easy conversations! But they’ve been important to feel through and talk about vs just putting it to the back of our mind.

This is such a powerful book that I will for sure read more than a few times- it will forever be my “go to” as I continue down my journey of being better and doing better…

46 people found this helpful

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Sky Guy

Wonderfully insightful and inspiring

Reviewed in the United States on April 14, 2024

Verified Purchase

I can’t recommend this book enough! Brene Brown is a wonderful researcher and author that is authentically herself in a world full of peer pressure to fit in and be normal. This book is delightful and engaging with stories of real life situations and feelings and the journey to be resilient and rise to the occasion with your own unique perspective and to let your colors shine with pride.

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JOSE SPINALI

Excelente libro..!!

Reviewed in Mexico on March 13, 2022

Verified Purchase

El libro es excelente la autora es extraordinaria y te hace reflexionar a lo largo del libro sobre "Vivir a todo corazon" y porque lo más importante es ser nosotros mismos y ser felices en los diferentes ambitos de nuestra vida.
Además en este libro destaca como el ser vulnerable es un gra demostración de coraje y valor y no una muestra de debilidad.

Me fascinó este libro, lo recomiendo 100%

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Arpit Patidar

Even looking at this book makes me feel good.

Reviewed in India on September 29, 2023

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This is must go book for those who are searching mental peace for themselves and want to fight self rejection inside their minds.
It helped me to understand how Gratitude can help us to have positive and supporting perspective on our life.

Living in a society which has a lot of negativity for everything and we develop a self critical and self abusive behavior, This book is one of the most help full tool.

2 people found this helpful

WpgJets

Life is short. How do you want to live in yours?

Reviewed in Canada on February 28, 2021

Verified Purchase

A must read for anyone who overthinks, is self-conscious, lives with anxiety, and would like more self-confidence.

Brene’s book organizes information on how we look at ourselves in a negative way and provides practical suggestions on how to address it. She writes appropriately for the intended audience. Not clinically (not that there is anything wrong with that) and with humour. What I appreciate is her sharing her own experiences.

Take what you need from this book. It will take work and practice. It will definitely help you change aspects of your life if you commit to honouring yourself and stick with it. You can do this!!!!!

3 people found this helpful

Andrea_HP

Me ha cambiado la vida

Reviewed in Spain on February 15, 2023

Verified Purchase

Ojalá lo hubiera descubierto hace 10 años. Es un libro que todos deberíamos leer para tratarnos con más compasión y cariño. Dejar ir la necesidad de perfección. Le doy mil puntos. No es un libro de "auto ayuda" es un libro para entenderte, perdonarte, sanar, y aceptar que sentirnos vulnerables es bueno.

One person found this helpful

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Rachel Koons

Great book to help gain perspective and love yourself wholeheartedly

Reviewed in Italy on January 6, 2023

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Still at the beginning chapters of this book, but I already feel myself accepting some of my imperfect traits more and more. It is so wonderful to be reminded that we need to love ourselves as much as we love others and that many of our "flaws" are actually gifts.

2 people found this helpful

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