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Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence Paperback – October 30, 2007
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One of the worlds most respected voices on erotic intelligence, Esther Perel offers a bold, provocative new take on intimacy and sex. Mating in Captivity invites us to explore the paradoxical union of domesticity and sexual desire, and explains what it takes to bring lust home.
Drawing on more than twenty years of experience as a couples therapist, Perel examines the complexities of sustaining desire. Through case studies and lively discussion, Perel demonstrates how more exciting, playful, and even poetic sex is possible in long-term relationships. Wise, witty, and as revelatory as it is straightforward, Mating in Captivity is a sensational book that will transform the way you live and love.
- Print length272 pages
- LanguageEnglish
- Publication dateOctober 30, 2007
- Dimensions0.61 x 5.31 x 8 inches
- ISBN-109780060753641
- ISBN-13978-0060753641
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Editorial Reviews
Review
“As revelatory as it is straightforward…nicely accessible…[Perel] offers the estranged modern couple a unique richness of experience.” — Publishers Weekly
“Perel tells us why intimacy can feel imprisoning and how we can embrace the erotic—without leaving home. Her writing is fresh and provocative, in a class by itself.” — Janis Abrahms Spring, Ph.D., author of After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful
“Her advice is refreshingly counterintuitive.” — Salon.com
“Mating in Captivity takes a hard line against one of the most time-honored institutions in human history: the sexless marriage…It reads like a cross between the works of Jacques Lacan and French Women Don’t Get Fat.” — The New Yorker
“Mating in Captivity...articulates a poignant and unacknowledged modern crisis for the first time.” — The Evening Standard (London)
“An elegant sociological study, complete with erudite literary and anthropological references.” — Daily Telegraph (London)
“An academic perspective on the deterioration of sex in relationships...Perel offers insightful, progressive theories on how to put the play back into partnerships.” — Daily Record & Sunday Mail
“A charming blend of wit and wisdom...this book will give you a fresh perspective on long-term love.” — Gold Coast Bulletin (Australia)
“Well argued points written with considerable eloquence.” — Jerusalem Post
“This is a brave book...refreshing.” — The Times Higher Education Supplement
“So honest it hurts.” — Irish Times
“An excellent book, full of provocative prose and entertaining case illustrations.” — Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy
From the Back Cover
One of the world’s most respected voices on erotic intelligence, Esther Perel offers a bold, provocative new take on intimacy and sex. Mating in Captivity invites us to explore the paradoxical union of domesticity and sexual desire, and explains what it takes to bring lust home.
Drawing on more than twenty years of experience as a couples therapist, Perel examines the complexities of sustaining desire. Through case studies and lively discussion, Perel demonstrates how more exciting, playful, and even poetic sex is possible in long-term relationships. Wise, witty, and as revelatory as it is straightforward, Mating in Captivity is a sensational book that will transform the way you live and love.
About the Author
Psychotherapist and New York Times bestselling author Esther Perel is recognized as one of today’s most insightful and original voices on modern relationships. Fluent in nine languages, she helms a therapy practice in New York City and serves as an organizational consultant for Fortune 500 companies around the world. Her celebrated TED Talks have garnered more than 30 million views and her international bestseller Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence is a global phenomenon that has been translated into nearly 30 languages. Her newest book is the New York Times bestseller The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity. Esther is also an executive producer and host of the popular podcasts Where Should We Begin? and How’s Work? Learn more at EstherPerel.com or by following @EstherPerelOfficial on Instagram.
Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.
Mating in Captivity
Unlocking Erotic IntelligenceBy Esther PerelHarperCollins Publishers, Inc.
Copyright ©2007 Esther PerelAll right reserved.
ISBN: 9780060753641
Chapter One
From Adventure to Captivity
Why the Quest for Security Saps Erotic Vitality
The original primordial fire of eroticism is sexuality; it raises the red flame of eroticism, which in turn raises and feeds another flame, tremulous and blue. It is the flame of love and eroticism. The double flame of life.
—Octavio Paz, The Double Flame
Parties in New York City are like anthropological field trips—you never know whom you'll meet or what you'll find. Recently I was milling around a self-consciously hip event, and, as is typical in this city of high achievers, before being asked my name I was asked what I do. I answered, "I'm a therapist, and I'm writing a book." The handsome young man standing next to me was also working on a book. "What are you writing about?" I asked him. "Physics," he answered. Politely, I mustered the next question, "What kind of physics?" I can't remember what his answer was, because the conversation about physics ended abruptly when someone asked me, "And you? What's your book about?" "Couples and eroticism," I answered.
Never was my Q rating as high—at parties, in cabs, at the nail salon, on airplanes, with teenagers, with my husband, you name it—as when I began writing a book about sex. I realize that there are certain topics that chase people away and others that act like magnets. People talk to me. Of course, that doesn't mean they tell me the truth. If there's one topic that invites concealment, it's this one.
"What about couples and eroticism?" someone asks.
"I'm writing about the nature of sexual desire," I reply. "I want to know if it's possible to keep desire alive in a long-term relationship, to avoid its usual wear."
"You don't necessarily need love for sex, but you need sex in love," says a man who's been standing on the sidelines, still undecided about which conversation to join.
"You focus mainly on married couples? Straight couples?" another asks. Read: is this book also about me? I reassure him, "I'm looking at myriad couples. Straight, gay, young, old, committed, and undecided."
I tell them I want to know how, or if, we can hold on to a sense of aliveness and excitement in our relationships. Is there something inherent in commitment that deadens desire? Can we ever maintain security without succumbing to monotony? I wonder if we can preserve a sense of the poetic, of what Octavio Paz calls the double flame of love and eroticism.
I've had this conversation many times, and the comments I heard at this party were hardly novel.
"Can't be done."
"Well, that's the whole problem of monogamy, isn't it?"
"That's why I don't commit. It has nothing to do with fear. I just hate boring sex."
"Desire over time? What about desire for one night?"
"Relationships evolve. Passion turns into something else."
"I gave up on passion when I had kids."
"Look, there are men you sleep with and men you marry."
As often happens in a public discussion, the most complex issues tend to polarize in a flash, and nuance is replaced with caricature. Hence the division between the romantics and the realists. The romantics refuse a life without passion; they swear that they'll never give up on true love. They are the perennial seekers, looking for the person with whom desire will never fizzle. Every time desire does wane, they conclude that love is gone. If eros is in decline, love must be on its deathbed. They mourn the loss of excitement and fear settling down.
At the opposite extreme are the realists. They say that enduring love is more important than hot sex, and that passion makes people do stupid things. It's dangerous, it creates havoc, and it's a weak foundation for marriage. In the immortal words of Marge Simpson, "Passion is for teenagers and foreigners." For the realists, maturity prevails. The initial excitement grows into something else—deep love, mutual respect, shared history, and companionship. Diminishing desire is inescapable. You are expected to tough it out and grow up.
As the conversation unfolds, the two camps eye each other with a complex alloy of pity, tenderness, envy, exasperation, and outright scorn. But while they position themselves at opposite ends of the spectrum, both agree with the fundamental premise that passion cools over time.
"Some of you resist the loss of intensity, some of you accept it, but all of you seem to believe that desire fades. What you disagree on is just how important the loss really is," I comment. Romantics value intensity over stability. Realists value security over passion. But both are often disappointed, for few people can live happily at either extreme.
Invariably, I'm asked if my book offers a solution. What can people do? Hidden behind this question looms a secret longing for the élan vital, the surge of erotic energy that marks our aliveness. Whatever safety and security people have persuaded themselves to settle for, they still very much want this force in their lives. So I've become acutely attuned to the moment when all these ruminations about the inevitable loss of passion turn into expressions of hope. The real questions are these: Can we have both love and desire in the same relationship over time? How? What exactly would that kind of relationship be?
The Anchor and the Wave
Call me an idealist, but I believe that love and desire are not mutually exclusive, they just don't always take place at the same time. In fact, security and passion are two separate, fundamental human needs that spring from different motives and tend to pull us in different directions. In his book Can Love Last? the infinitely thoughtful psychoanalyst Stephen Mitchell offers a framework for thinking about this conundrum. As he explains it, we all need security: permanence, reliability, stability, and continuity. These rooting, nesting instincts ground us in our human experience. But we also have a need for novelty and change, generative forces that give life fullness and vibrancy. Here risk and adventure loom large. We're walking contradictions, seeking safety and predictability on one hand and thriving on diversity on the other.
Continues...
Excerpted from Mating in Captivityby Esther Perel Copyright ©2007 by Esther Perel. Excerpted by permission.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.
Product details
- ASIN : 0060753641
- Publisher : Harper Perennial; Reprint edition (October 30, 2007)
- Language : English
- Paperback : 272 pages
- ISBN-10 : 9780060753641
- ISBN-13 : 978-0060753641
- Item Weight : 7.2 ounces
- Dimensions : 0.61 x 5.31 x 8 inches
- Best Sellers Rank: #1,407 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
- #2 in Psychology & Counseling Books on Sexuality
- #3 in Sex & Sexuality
- #3 in General Sexual Health
- Customer Reviews:
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Great read for anyone in a long term relationship
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Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence
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About the author
'Hello, I'm Esther... I imagine a world where we experience a sense of aliveness and vitality in our relationships, because the quality of our relationships determines the quality of our lives. I've dedicated my life and career to understanding and improving human relationships. Let's continue to learn together.'
Psychotherapist and New York Times bestselling author Esther Perel is recognized as one of today’s most insightful and original voices on modern relationships. Fluent in nine languages, she helms a therapy practice in New York City and serves as an organizational consultant for Fortune 500 companies around the world. Her celebrated TED Talks have garnered more than 20 million views and her international bestseller Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence became a global phenomenon translated into 25 languages. Her newest book is theNew York Times bestseller The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity. Esther is also an executive producer and host of the award-winning podcast Where Should We Begin? Learn more at EstherPerel.com or by following @EstherPerelOfficial on Instagram.
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Top reviews from the United States
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The book is written by a European who has been living in the U.S. and working as a therapist here for years. Through her background she has identified key issues in the way we handle relationships in the U.S. that are actually killing the passion. It does also discuss the differences between one partner and another in relation to passion, sexual interest, and general interest and gives suggestions on how to find a workable plan if those differences aren't changeable.
The author discusses how our U.S. culture encourages complete enmeshment with our partners - so there are no secrets, no boundaries, nothing personal or private away from your partner. The problem with this is that you need to keep your individuality intact in order for a relationship to keep it's spark. It is our differences, the mystery of the "other" that creates passion. Without this you'll be hard pressed to have passion in your relationship. If you do everything with your partner, what new do you have to discuss and share? If you are in the bathroom while your partner does their most unpleasant business, how do you then turn around and see them in a passionate way? (my example, not the author's) This enmeshment is not common abroad. It is better understood overseas that you need to maintain independence and a level of mystery in order to keep passion burning. Significantly more marriages fail in the U.S. than abroad and perhaps this is why.
By keeping your independence and NOT being an open book who does nothing without your partner you maintain the mystery and interest needed for passion. A passionate marriage is a happy and fulfilling marriage. Don't give up your favorite things or your activities with friends. Make time to go out with your best friends without your partner. Did you have a favorite activity pre-partnership that you never do anymore? Go do it - alone or with friends. Don't make every activity be with your partner - it's just too much. Then, when you come together you have different things to share, unique experiences and that difference, the mystery is intact. The author explains this whole concept so much better than I do - you really must read this book. I'd say it is my favorite book on relationships - and I read tons of books on that kind of thing(I'm in a doctorate of psychology program).
There are, of course, individual differences in passion levels, sexual interest levels, and personal activity levels as well. These differences, and how to find a workable plan to satisfy those differences, are also discussed in the book. Essentially it tells you how to optimize the passion and interest, and then work from there to find a place that meets both partner's intimacy level needs.
Summary: The U.S. has a different perspective on how relationships ought to be compared to abroad. The U.S. also has a significantly higher rate of divorce and relationship unhappiness. The premise of this book is that we become too enmeshed with our partner and lose our individuality. This kills passion, which needs difference and mystery to exist. This is understood abroad and relationships are handled differently there. The book demonstrates this theory through easy to read client examples and offers suggestions on how to return independence and passion to a relationship.
But I have to remove 1 big star for the writing style. This material is not necessarily the easiest to digest, and on almost every page there is a word I have to look up. And even when I know what she said, I would ask, "Why would she say it that way? Why would she take something important and say it in the most difficult to understand way?" Let me take a single random passage:
"The social critic Camille Paglia sees this rise in domination and submission as a collective fantasy that tweaks the rough spots of our egalitarian culture. It seems to me that rituals of domination and submission are a subversive way to put one over on a society that glorifies control, belittles dependency, and demands equality."
Do I know what she meant? Well, yeah...mostly. But there are many better ways to deliver the material and make it more accessible, rather than losing me in the weeds of the writing itself.
Excellent book, excellent material, unnecessarily complicated writing style.
Top reviews from other countries
Depending on how you read it and what you read it for:
-you can gather ideas of what to do differently in your relationship
-might help you understand why you have certain thoughts and feelings
-might help put your partner's ideas into perspective.
-might open your eyes to situations you didn't know existed...
-and much more.
Super enjoyed reading it. It wasn't what I expected at all. Author goes into details about other couples or situations she has faced in her office-- but if you are smart in your reading, you're able to gather new information and helpful hints for what is applicable to you and your reasoning for reading, even if it's just for leisure reading.
Secondly, the prose is beautiful, both simple and easily readable, while managing to stay lyrical with gorgeous vocabulary, which I enjoy as a non-english reader (hey, even when you're bilingual, simple prose is still better to read when your brain is fried after a long day). I do think she writes beautifully, and she also interwines her concepts with case studies, including a lot of dialogue that you most likely will relate to. It really lets the book breathe and makes her points shine.
One last thing : she does talk about mostly american couples and speak of how Europe is different, and while it is true that we are - slightly - more open about sex, I disagree with the reviewer who said her points didn't match European behavior. Her points are based partly on education, culture, fears, bias and other deeply personal stuff. The thing is that nowadays, in first world countries such as, well, all Europe, america, etc, we've reached a point where culture has mingled and mixed up a lot. Her points don't contradict European culture, firstly because Europe's original culture is far from that idealized sex free and intellectual people, and also because her specific points apply just right to the specific "puritan but hedonist" culture, which is now everywhere in the world where there's been religion and also enough money to fill the hedonist pool. If you think this book only applies to americans, honestly, look around you.
Overall, amazing book, would recommend. :)
La cosa che più ho apprezzato è il rifiuto dell'approccio prevalente secondo il quale il buon sesso è una conseguenza dell'intimità: curando quest'ultima, il primo verrà da sé. Nulla di più sbagliato, perché la passione, come spiega benissimo l'autrice, nasce dalla lontananza e non dalla vicinanza.
Per me e mia moglie è stato utilissimo, soprattutto per spingerci a valutare le questioni tra di noi con uno sguardo nuovo.