Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy, review by Dan Nicholas, 1.3.13 edit
The Slut word in the title scared me off for years. But I got weary reading about this book and decided to get bold and buy it. Good move. Especial since one of the authors had come out, using her real name in the second edition. But why me and this book? For starters, as a retired priest I'm pretty much a traditionalist and yet probably at the same time in some denial about being an Eros positive male slut wannabe. And, not unlike the 2% milk I drink, on a good day I'm only recently dabbling as a kinkster. So, again, why am I reading this book; and a lot of people like me?
Because--God forgive me if I'm wrong--I'm starting to think that the Divine is a bit slutty in a way. The Divine into the slut thing? Really? Well, think about it. We all want more love and that's what we mean by slut--someone whose having more, getting more ecstatic connections than you, right? We're just not sure what "more" means.
Like a lot of folks who'd never be seen in an airport with this title in hand, I'm old fashioned. I never wanted more than one woman I don't think. But then reality kicks in. I get honest and...well, a little more ethical. I'm in my early 60s and on my third marriage. Ouch. So why did I pick up this book and, for heaven's sake? And love it? This is not what they taught me in seminary! Maybe not. But I'm starting to get honest and come out about being an ethical slut myself.
For one thing I've come out this last decade with my eroticism in general, thanks to writers like Susie Bright. To be honest, sexually speaking, I'm one of those "pretty much you want to nail them all" guys like Billy Crystal's character in When Harry Met Sally. Yes, I want all the women. Any guy who says different I say is most likely a liar. And by Eastman and Hardy standards, not ethical.
Yes, I was born with this curse that says I want love to go with; to go with all my man/woman connections. And I even want to grow old with one woman, which makes me a 99% monogamy man. Well, it's all madness, isn't it? On this I'd toss my hat in with Rachel Resnick and her memoir, Love Junkie. I am that love junkie man I guess. So I'll always want to be having more sex than you are having. Which makes me a slut. And I want to be honest with myself in all things; ruthlessly so. Which makes me want to be honest sexually, too. Now wasn't it Heraclitus in the 5th century BC who said that the senses are false witnesses to an impure soul? Time for some soul honesty, seems to me. I think all of us want to be ethical. And we'd have to admit most of us like at least part of the joy of being a little more slutty.
Again, the Divine is slutty sometimes, no? This thought occurred to me the other day reading this book. Especially if we think about opening up our sex life to God and to a beloved, a significant and intimate other. Heck, to all the heavenly host, right? Then are we not all then into a group sex thing in some fashion? All love is group love maybe then? At least a three way. Especially if God/Goddess are invited to look. And if our sex is ethical why wouldn't we want all the gods to look and to applaud? Maybe even for all of us to open our eyes together?
So I bought the book, knowing I had a few things to learn. This title gave me practical tips on communicating what I need and want sexually and romantically. It's all about being honest. Good sex for me is always about how we can bring along the virtues as we get naked and honest, too. That's what I got from this book, albeit in an odd way.
Self honesty? I confessed recently to my wife being jealous of her cats; her chiropractor; her massage therapist; all those who get to touch her. Sometimes even when I'm not invited so much to touch. Hey, it happens. I've a few things to learn then I guess. This book helped me admit I still am at time at least mildly jealous, which galls me. I'm working on it.
As to the craziness of slutty love--and this book does get a bit crazy--I have been reading this last decade many spiritual writers, Christian monastics and mystics and early century theologians who spoke oddly enough and openly about the wild madness of erotic love--Eros Maniakos--maniacal sold out give up everything, edgy to die for love for God. Needless to say, a growing love for the poetry and prose of all risk taking with eroticism (Love Poems From God, Daniel Ladinsky) have kept me reading more. From seventh century forward, St. Maximus the Confessor of Constantinople (Turkey, Istanbul); to Elder Porphyrios of modern times in (Athens, Greece), or St. Symeon the New Theologian in the 10th century and his Divine Eros.
Holy men and women of God speak of edgy eros, of all out desire for the Divine. Philip Sherrard seems to in his Christianity and Eros (1976). So I guess that makes all these writers slutty, too. They want to have more than you're having.
I'm thinking now of Bernini's statue of St. Teresa of Avila in the West (loved her Interior Castle). The image of that sculpture in Rome is etched in my mind here. There she is fainting in orgasmic bliss, in 3D, in church no less. In the throes of erotic release. In church. Her heart is being pierced by the arrow of God and it is a sex thing. Unless you are a dull person you can't see this and take it in. (Does the Pope know about this? Is he still permitting this sort of sex in church? My, my.)
Professor Kyriacos Markides of Maine speaks often of Eros Maniakos in his Mountain of Silence (2002) and also in his other works: Gifts of the Desert and Inner River. Any love story, it seems to me, is a story of love madness. So this was my pull to actually read about all out ethical eroticism detailed here by these two mad for love poly authors. Who proudly call themselves both slutty, severely erotic, and ethical. OK, why not. I'm a philosopher and a theologian. We talk about ethics a lot. We best get honest about the eros part, too.
As to the confluence of spirituality and love and sexuality, Easton and Hardy take a serious look at this with their other work, Radical Ecstasy (2004) which is all about bliss, the divine, Tantra, falling, and the losing control thing. Breath, chakras, surrender. So much for the charge that these authors are only and always about some slutty sex equals pleasure only doctrine. God gets in there with them. Also, I see these days more writing about BDSM and "leather spirituality" and the transcendence of dark eros. Again: my, my.
I'm not the only one in recently decades to grown weary with the dishonesty of the traditional church--Catholic, Protestant, Orthodox--around sexuality. When single and divorced ten years back I asked an Orthodox monk and speaker at a Greek Orthodox two day workshop on Sex, Love and Marriage what leaders in the church had in as advice for the 45 million mid-life folk in this country who are now dating online. To this day I love his crisp reply to me and the 100+ Sex, Love and Marriage workshop inquirers in attendance. Said the then monk now church hierarch: "Advice from the church? To be honest, we don't have a clue."
So, I got over the title of this book, over my false purity about the slut word. I read it. So I could get a clue. I spent dozens of hours thinking about the stuff Easton and Hardy brought up here. They became during my reading here my priest/priestess love coaches.
I had to get ethically honest and I invite you to as well. If I as Mr. Church guy am so into the romantic love/marriage/family monogamy path, why am I on my third marriage? If I'm so one-man-for-one-woman forever...why am I still attracted to other women? Why was the divorce so costly and painful? Worth it but costly? Twice. And remarried at age 58, why do I get jealous of my wife's cats and friends sometimes. Each who also want to love her? And why does Dark Eros (Thomas Moore, 1998) and even some of BDSM even still fascinate me? And why have I read dozens of books on Eros Maniakos and the mystics and monks and nuns who have retained their commitment to mad, go for broke love for God? Guess it all makes me rather down in the trenches slutty some. I'm getting to like the term, actually.
Again, I picked up this Easton-Hardy title for the same reason I picked up Tristan Taormino 's Opening Up (BTW, of my 170 Amazon reviews, it and this one are the most popular to date) because two couple friends of mine and one single friend are in one of those "complicated" (Baldwin's character to Streep's character: "It's complicated!") relationships that are poly type. Poly. Even the word intrigues and confounds. My partner and I have spent hours discussing these creative relationships our friends have. Why parts of what they have seem to work? And why do some Poly Type relationships seem so alive while some old school type Married Folk relationships seem to endure only in their deadness?
I recently read and loved Sex At Dawn by Christopher Ryan, made me rethink monogamy. Like Ethical Slut, Sex At Dawn makes me rethink how church people preach monogamy for life but aren't much better at it statistically than the unchurched. And, besides, when I set out a decade back on my own path dating in midlife, trying to be honest, I knew I'd likely be "kissing a few frogs" mixing it up naked with a few ladies on my self discovery path. I wanted to be ethical.
So, in an odd way, dating is always going to be a serial monogamy/poly/ethical homework assignment. Especially if you invite God in, seems to me. Especially if you are trying to be honest and perhaps date several women at a time; which I was only able to do for three months. Which makes me not good poly material I guess.
My biggest take away from the book? Solid tips on jealousy, honesty, agreements, communication, saying what you want. Meaning what you say. How to fight fair. Flirting honestly with other women while in a committed relationship. Flirting, yes. Something I've always done and don't intend to stop is flirting with the Safeway cashier. Thanks to the call if this book I'm increasingly OK with that.
A confession here. After reading this book I'm still pretty much with author Chloe Caldwell. (See her article: Legs Get Led Astray, 2012) As she said, it takes special, almost otherworldly people to do the poly thing. Caldwell shows herself in her essay on Why I Am No Longer An Ethical Slut found at the Faster Times zine. "As much as I love the idea, as much as I think it is a wonderful book, I don't think being an Ethical Slut is possible. At least not for him. At least not for me."
One of her friends commented on Caldwell's mad love relationship: "Chloe, you guys spent three years being shady for dopamine." Caldwell agreed. Yes, being shady is not being ethical.
"It's never been better said. We were cheaters, liars; we were addicted to a feeling we'd created. There was not one ethical thing about it."
So, to wrap up this tome of a review, even though I was a 98% voyeur type while reading all this about sluthood from Easton and Hardy, I learned a lot. I learned even more than simply tolerance for these poly writers. I learned some key relationship let's-talk-about-it-in-the-daylight skills. Actually, I liked the Eastman/Hardy smaller title When Someone You Love Is Kinky (2000). Ethical Slut is a far more exhaustive work.
I'd recommend this book for died in the wool traditionalists like the unbrave one star reviewer here at Amazon who threw the book away half read. Monogamy folk and poly timers alike could up their communication skills on jealousy and fighting fair paying attention to what's contained here. And and get something in just contemplating the whole business of what it means to want more. A thoughtful book.
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Very used book for new price
I got a disgustingly nasty, torn, used book that had apparently come from Goodwill at some point. Somebody help me understand why this happened!
